Pregnancy Weeks 5-9

After receiving our official positive test from our IVF clinic on November 25th it was a whirlwind couple of months.

At just 4 weeks and 5 days baby went to it's first concert. My one and only Justin Bieber! This has literally been a bucket list item for me and I was so excited to go and watch it knowing our baby was nice and safe inside me. Was a special moment I will not forget. 

  The following week at 6 weeks and 1 day Baby went to it's 2nd concert. Taylor Swift :-) What a show! Seriously she was amazing! Although as you can see from the picture I was SICK as a dog and was sucking on lollypops the entire time to try stay conscious. Please note this girl who suffers from severe motion sickness and was suffering from morning sickness SHOULD NOT have taken the bus in! I swear i nearly vomiting over the entire bus! Taylor made it worth it! AND I got to see Guy Sebastian as her support act so I was pretty stocked!

To finish off the year of concerts a week later at 7 weeks Baby and I went to see one of my all time favourite bands Human Nature. It was their Christmas special and I loved every minute of singing carols and listening to their amazing voices knowing baby was settling right in with me! 

Too bad Baby hadn't formed their listening yet because the first month of their little life inside me was full of awesome music. It was so special to finally see all my favourite artists being pregnant. Was really the icing on the cake!

 

 On the 15th of December 2013 at & weeks and 2 days pregnant I turned 28.

My darling Rob invited all our friends and family over for a BBQ and a swim and I pretty much stayed inside in front of the aircon trying not to spew. I tried so hard to socialise with our guest but seriously I just couldn't. I was so grateful to each and every single one of them for coming and making the effort for me even though I pretty much ignored everyone with my unconsious state! Even though I was in this mess my heart was full and I was so happy. I was surrounded my so people who love me, I had a husband who was by my side and a beautiful baby growing in my tummy. Turning 28 was pretty awesome!

We went Christmas light looking with our family and it hit me. This will be our last Christmas as just us 2! Even though really there are 3 of us in this photo!

We then celebrated Christmas 2013

~ Christmas Day 8 weeks and 5 days ~

On Boxing Day we packed up and left for our annual camping trip with our best friends.

I seriously look forward to this every year. It was 4 days of swimming, 4WDing, kite flying, relaxing, sleeping and enjoying the fresh sea air with our favourites.

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Peeing on that Stick

After our transfer on the 13th of November 2013 I took 2 days off work for bed rest! I got mixed advice about bed rest after transfer. The nurses said take as long as I can to settle that baby, the doctor said to just go about my normal activity like any normal person would. Well I wasn't a 'normal person' I didn't get to make love and put my feet in the air. I had a long process and I didn't feel right getting up straight away. I knew I needed this embaby to feel safe and warm and I wanted to give them every single chance I could to implant. I kept my body warm, I only ate warm foods and I kept very still. 

From the minute our baby was transferred we immediately said we were PUPO...pregnant until proven otherwise. As I said in my previous post...there was no room for negative thoughts. I was pregnant and this had worked. This was how we talked, thought and acted....that I was pregnant. I took 2 days to rest and begged and begged for our baby to stay with me. I had funny little moments that surprised me. Like every time I sneezed I would apoligise to our baby...I still do to this day...out of habit. In these 2 days of bed rest I had completely 100% convinced myself that I was pregnant. Well so I thought. This is where my mind and reality started to really confuse me.

By Friday the 15th which was 2 days past 5 day transfer or 2dp5dt I kept laughing to myself and crying to myself and then laughing again because I absolutely knew I was pregnant. You know how they say 'mothers intuition' well I always thought that was a load but holy moly it is so true. I know it's cliche but I just felt it. I wasn't sure however, whether it was my awesome power of positive thinking or I really was pregnant and my mummy instincts had kicked in. The feeling didn't go. Over the weekend I just kept shaking my head and saying I am totally pregnant. 

I still had to wait 2 weeks for my blood test. The dreaded 2 week wait. I have never been one to test. In the whole 2 and a half years of trying for our baby naturally I think I only ever tested 3 times and that was because I had a day late period. It never even crossed my mind to test during the wait for our blood test and we told everyone we wouldn't. My feeling was so strong though and it was sooo hard to tell whether it was my mind or reality.

On Sunday night I picked up 2 packets of pregnancy tests and put them in my bathroom for 'just in case'

Well Monday morning came and I was 5dp5dt and I still felt 'pregnant' so I tested. I got up before the sun to ensure it was 'good pee' and also so Rob could be there with me. I peed and dunked and waited. We waited the 5 minutes. There is was. POSITIVE. Dam faint but there were 2 lines on that stick. Hells yes! I wasn't a crazy person after all. Just a mummy who knew she was 'with child' ;-)

We knew we couldn't take this as 100% positive as there was still a chance that this positive was from my trigger shot so we had the grueling wait till the next morning to test again. I didn't need any convincing though. I was totally pregnant.

The next morning I tested again...6dp5dt

5 minutes later...2 lines!

It was darker. My levels were growing. That's not the trigger. That's a pregnancy.

It was exciting. Our own little secret. We didn't tell a soul and I lied to everyone who asked me whether I was testing. For once it was amazing to control our conceiving journey ourselves and not have any doctors or nurses involved. 

 The next morning I tested again. This time there was no waiting for 5 minutes. The second my pee went through the tube the strongest positive line appeared!! There was no denying it. The stick doesn't lie. I couldn't believe how fast and how strong the line was and only after a couple of days.

 I had only ever been testing in the morning. Using my 'strongest pee'. So after that super strong line in the morning I decided to tempt fate and pee after lunch. Positive..again! Praise the Lord. I messaged Rob the picture. I told him as soon as I finished work that I was going to race down and buy a digital test. If that came back positive then I was calling it.

 Well at 6.00pm on the 20th of November at 7 days past 5 day transfer after 4 positive POAS and a positive digital clear blue we called it and made it official...

WE WERE PREGNANT! 

We told our parents. It was happening.

I tested for the next few days. Every morning the line got stronger and darker. I loved seeing it grow knowing that it meant my levels were growing and our baby was settling in beautifully.

On the 25th of November 2013 I had my blood test for my official pregnancy test.

 

I had my test taken at 6.00 in the morning and I didnt get a call back from the nurse until 3.00 in the afternoon. Even though we already knew I just needed to hear the words from our nurse. On the phone she asked me how I felt and I said 'pregnant' haha She asked why I felt pregnant...'just a feeling' I said...she totally knew I had tested haha

Well the results were in...we were offically pregnant with an amazing BETA of 608!

I could not believe it! We had done it!

 For the next 2 weeks I got a blood test every Monday and my results came back beautifully. More than beautifully...they absolutely blew me away. I had very high numbers and we had a very very strong baby. I had doubled in 1 week and almost quadrupled the next week. The higher the numbers got the sicker Mummy got haha it was real.

 

 I finally admitted to our close friends and my TTC sisters that we had been testing the entire time and we pretty much knew from day 1. I don't regret testing. I didn't pee on a stick because I was a crazy tester. I peed on a stick because I just knew! It worked out perfectly for us. More than I ever could of imagined. We got pregnant on our first try of IVF and we got to call the shots for a week and a bit before the doctors took control again. It was all perfect! Thank the lord or Pee on a Stick tests!

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

My Internal Battle

 ~ This was written in the first week of January. I was weak, confused, hurt and let down by my body. I'm getting through it. Day by day. Learning to accept it and accepting that I am doing the best i can and that is ok. I am giving my everything for our baby but it's still hard and my feelings are still real ~

I'm not suppose to say these words. I'm not suppose to write this down. I have been blessed with an amazing gift and it should be the happiest time of my life. I dreamed of this moment my entire life...and I mean entire life. We waited 2 and a half years and fought to the death for this to happen. Women who have gone through infertility aren't suppose to feel like this and women who have gone through IVF surely aren't suppose to be feeling like this. But I am and it's hard.

I need to write this now, before the feeling goes away. I need to show every path that my journey is taking me. I know it will pass soon...because I'm a strong stubborn shit like that, but right now I'm in a darkness that I can not get out of. I pray every night it will pass and that in the morning I will wake up happy and strong and empowered just like I used to be. As soon as I wake however, it all hits me and I return to the flames that burned me the day before.

I know women go through this every single day. Women experience it absolutely 10 times worse then this. I am not those women. I don't get sick. My body doesn't get weak. I placed so much faith and confidence in myself in the years leading up to my pregnancy that I thought I would be able to handle anything this baby threw at me. As soon as the pregnancy sickness came my world got turned upside down.

When you spend 2 years of your life perfecting every aspect of your being you create a strong and powerful willpower. Nothing could stop me and nothing would effect me. I knew I had no control over anything and I let my faith and optimism guide me through life. I was happy. I was free. I was confident. I was positive. Even through our infertility struggle and our IVF journey I remained this person and was proud of how I dealt with it all.

This all fell apart during my 5th week of pregnancy. 

All that is happening to me is that I am sick. Just your normal text book pregnancy sickness. I don't know why they call it morning sickness because it lasts all day and all night long. For the first time, in a very long time, I am completely out of control of my body. My mind can not fix this. I have a beautiful angel growing inside of me and it is stripping me of every last bit of nutrients, strength and balance I have. I know why it is happening. I know it's for the best. I know it means I have a strong healthy baby but seriously haven't I gone through enough? I put in the fight already. I worked hard and now I finally got my wish and my dream has come true and I am absolutely despising it.

No one can really understand. I've tried to tell those closest to me that I am not handling it. That my body has been shaken and my spirit is struggling. No one understands. To them its just pregnancy sickness and I just need to move on and deal with it. I do. I deal with it every day. I still work my ass off every day but it doesn't mean I don't battle with myself every single minute. I have lost faith in myself. I have lost faith in my body and most of all I have lost faith in my mind. If I can not handle something as simple as this 'morning sickness' and early pregnancy, how will I be throughout the rest of the pregnancy and let's not even touch on the labour story. It is just morning sickness to every one else but to me it's an internal battle and at the moment I can't handle it and my body and mind are letting me down. I spent years falling in love with the person I am and was proud of how strong my body was. When something compromises this strength you lose control and get shaken to the core. It truly took me by surprise and its taking everything I have to fight back.

I cry most nights because I've let myself down. I should be fine with this but I'm not. I should be able to suck it up, force some food down for the sake of my baby and deal with it. That's what everyone tells me. But no one understands the heartache behind it all. Maybe the hurt, frustration and anger of the last 2 years is finally hitting me. Maybe I have let my guard down for a split second and my whole battle is being laid down on the table for me to deal with. Why now? It's done now. Ive got what I wanted. Why the hurt, anger and disbelief in myself.

It is a silent internal battle that I deal with every day but on the surface I try to be strong and I am trying to get through these first few months with a smile on my face. For 3 days all of my sickness went away and we feared we were losing our miracle. I would never trade this sickness for the world. I know that it is the best possible state to be in. I know my baby is thriving and it is all because of me. Deep down I know this. I just seriously wish my mind would handle it better. I wish I could be strong and not hate myself for being so weak. In time, I will realise my strength and this hatred will turn back into self love, but right now it's hard.

I have lost some friends because of my silence, because they don't understand, because they haven't taken the time to really listen to me. I can't control this and I can't change how I deal with this. I can't put effort into anything right now because all of my attention and strength is being put into waking up in the morning and pretending everything is ok. I'm sure my family is sick of my whinging, but I whinge to ensure I don't cry out loud.

I know you won't understand. I'm not asking you to understand. I'm just making you aware.

This isn't who I am and I hate it but I pray it will soon pass. 

I know it will, becasue as I said before...I am a strong stubborn shit like that. 

x S.K.K x

Our Special News

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Our IVF Egg Retrieval and Transfer

Our whole IVF cycle literally flew. I think at the time I was caught in the moment but looking back it felt like no time at all. Our first appointment after starting the injections was with our Doctor on the 4th of November. This was to see how I was responding to the medications and whether Our follicles were growing. The ultrasound showed that we were progressing beautifully. We had 8 solid follicles and they were measuring between 12 and 16 mm. We were aiming for 18-22mm by the time of our retrieval so these numbers were perfect. Straight away we were given a trigger date and a retrieval date. It was all happening. Remember how I said we didn't have much time to plan or worry. We literally didn't have time to think throughout the entire cycle. It was bam bam bam. 

Doctors, nurses, councillors, people who have been through it before, whoever you talked to there was always doubt. No one ever gave you 100% reassurance it would work. That's because it probably wouldn't. The success rate of a first time IVF cycle is extremely low. The nurses council you through the cycle and prepare you on some level that you may fail. It's a hard battle to fight and one that you have no control over.  You tend to take on these feelings and thoughts and this really bothered me. This wasn't who I was, actually it isn't who I am. I never let failure be an option or the answer. 

On the nights leading up to our retrieval I didn't sleep. How could I sleep knowing that in just days our baby will be created. This also allowed me to battle with my positive side and giving in to the 'what ifs'. Finally a few days before my retrieval, late one night, I posted this picture on Instagram and wrote the following...

"I have found it difficult to find a healthy balance between being positive and being realistic through this IVF journey. I've never once said to myself 'yes it's going to work' because you know what...there is a strong possibility that it won't. This isn't who I am and I pride myself on my strength and positivity and here I am in the biggest fight of my life and I'm scared to believe and I'm scared to have faith. The time has come to take a breath and jump. I know the risks, I know the statistics and I know it may not work but from this point on there will be no more 'preparing for the worst' I'm strong and I can handle the worst so it's time to lift my head, open my heart and give myself completely to this adventure. In a few days our baby will be created and I will do everything in my power to fight for my family. I've got this! Lets make a baby!"

There was no turning back. This was our reality and I couldn't change it. I could not allow room for the 'what ifs' and the 'it may not work' I completely and 100% believe in power of your mind and the power of your thoughts. So from that night on there were no more negative thoughts allowed. Our IVF was going to work and we were going to get pregnant and that was the end of it. 

On the 10th of November at 6.30pm I did my final injection. That was it. 10 days and I was done. My body responded. We were ready to make a baby.

Friday morning on the 8th of November 2013 we left at sunrise to go in for my surgery. I don't want to go into detail of the surgery because it was honestly the most horrific experience of my life. All I had to remember was I just had to get through the surgery and when I woke up that beautiful magic number would be written on my hand. If you're an IVF girl you will know what that beautiful number is. For those who are just following our journey the nurses who look after you during your surgery will write the number of eggs they retrieved on your hand. That way when you wake up from your anaesthetic you can look straight at your hand and know. That's the whole point of the surgery. To retrieve the eggs. I had a hard time dealing with this number. From all the numbers I had seen written on my fellow IVF friends hands their numbers were high. 12, 15, even 25. We only started with 10 follicles and that was down to 8 by the time our retrieval came around so we had a chance of getting 8 at the max. 8! I could not believe it. Each day between retrieval and transfer your number dropped. Not all eggs would fertilise and not all eggs would mature. With a starting number that low I was freaked. All my support system told me "all you need is 1" and they were right. I just had to believe it would all be ok. 

There was our magic number.
I had grown 6 beautiful eggs. It was no 12, 15 or 25 but it was our 6.

Our perfect 6!

I was very lucky that my retrieval was on a Friday which allowed me to recover and rest over the weekend before starting back at work on Monday. We were doing a 5 day transfer which meant that 5 days exactly from my retrieval we would transfer an embryo back into my uterus. The doctors had my 6 eggs and they had Robs sperm. We now had to leave it up to nature, with a little bit of help from science, and hope that our eggs and sperm would do the baby dance in the dish and create some embryos. 

They did and they nailed it. 5 out of our 6 eggs were fertilised and made beautiful embryos. 

And over the next 4 days they survived. Of all the journeys I've followed everyone lost a few embryos each day. Not us. Our baby's are strong. All 5 lasted the 5 days! I literally screamed every morning when the nurse rang me to tell me they had survived the night! I was so dam proud of our embabies. 

By the time I transfer day came we still had 5 embabies surviving. It was time for the embryologist to choose the perfect blast to transfer into my uterus. This would be our baby. 

On the 13.11.13 our beautiful embryo was transferred to me. 

I always always always want our beautiful angel to know that above all he/she was created by love. Even though we needed a little scientific help it hurts my heart to know it wasn't by mummy and daddy making love. This is hard to come to terms with but I hope our darling will always know that we fought to the death for them and even though we had some help our baby was created by nothing else but love, dedication and passion.

Our transfer was a success!

All we had to do now was hope and pray that our beautiful baby stuck to me, implanted and formed a beautiful pregnancy. 

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x