Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Silver Lining of Infertility

Dear Baby K

One day your daddy and I were sitting in our home feeding our gorgeous little bird Ruby. You will get to meet Ruby one day and she will bring you so much laughter and happiness. I can't wait! We were sitting down together feeding her when all of a sudden your daddy looked at me and said "You're going to be an amazing Mum one day, we should have a baby" You will never ever know how much these words meant to me little one. For years, you are all I have ever dreamed of. From a little girl I knew straight away what my purpose in life was. My mum, your Grandma, was the Center of my universe and I knew that when I grew up all I wanted to be was her. A mummy. Every path I have taken and every road I have traveled has led me to my ultimate dream of being a mummy. From the moment I learned how to dream I knew this was it. It's all I ever wanted.

Your daddy and I had a long journey to travel before our lives could begin together. God made sure that I had met the people I needed to meet and learn from the mistakes that I made before he threw me into your daddy's arms. You wait until you meet your daddy. Oh my darling you are seriously one of the luckiest souls in the world to have this man as your daddy. No one truly knows the true love, kindness and passion that is in his heart but me and I can't wait for the day that I can share him with you. When we got married I knew I was ready for you. I 'thought' I was ready for you. Your daddy had other plans. He's the thinker and the planner and needed everything perfect before we brought you into our lives. He had a plan and needed to work his way up to his goals. As his wife I supported this. Your daddy and I are a team and we both needed to be on the same playing field before you came in to play this beautiful game of life. I didn't like it. Not one single bit. Oh how I ached for you. I've spent my entire life looking after and caring for other people's children and it killed me to have to wait just that little bit extra. We waited. I waited. Finally the day came when your daddy spoke those beautiful words to me..."we should have a baby" He was ready. It was one of the greatest days of my life and I don't think I will ever forget it.

From that day forward you were it babes. You were our every word, every conversation, every plan and every smile. This was our time. I thought I was on track, happy and ready for you. You and God had other plans. It has been a very long journey from that day. A journey I could never have even imagined. That day seems like a life time ago. The girl I once knew is now a distant memory. The girl who thought she was ready for a baby and motherhood has flown away and I still get so shocked by the person I have become.

You knew...all along. I sometimes sat and wondered why you hadn't come to us yet. Where was our baby? They say perfection takes time and I knew that god was taking his time in making you "our perfect" When I look back at our time waiting for you I feel nothing but eternal gratitude and complete happiness. For most, it's a hard journey. I'm not saying it was always easy waiting for you but my god my darling it has made me so strong. Today, right now, I am the strongest I have ever been and it is all because of you. Every day I prayed for you and every day I felt the words "just hold on". That's what Ive done, held on. Ive held on for the ride. After about 10 months of wishing and praying for you I surrendered myself completely to god, to the universe and to you my baby. I knew you had a plan and I had to allow God to guide me in the right direction to you. There is a reason why you have taken this long time to come into our lives.

 I took this time to think. I opened my eyes and took a long hard look deep into my soul. What I saw was simply amazing. I owed it to you to find my true self and to become the absolute best person I could be. That's when I knew my reason, your reason, his reason. I wasn't ready for you and you knew this. This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces because I would give my everything to have you in my arms right now, but you and I both know that the wait will be worth it. When you enter our lives I need to be complete before I commit my life and my purpose to you. To be the best mummy in the world I needed to be the best Sarah in the world. Every day I found my internal beauty, self love and life changing confidence that I hope you will be proud of. Everything I do, I know that one day I will be able to share this with you and I will be able to teach you the greatest gifts this world has to offer. This my beautiful baby is priceless. This time waiting for you has been completely priceless and I thank you for teaching me the most amazing lessons life has to offer. You aren't even here in our world yet and you have given me a lifetime of self love, gratitude and hope.

You are an amazing gift. I'm still learning and growing...and waiting. Every day is a lesson for me. I've learned some very special and life changing values that I truly believe have changed me. I cant wait to share these with you and teach you the beauty and wonders of the world. Your mummy is a completely different person now and through the heartache, tears and waiting I have never ever given up hope. I never will. Your daddy especially has never ever given up hope. We've cried for you, wished for you, prayed for you but have never given up hope. We wait every single day. I know God will send you to us when the time is perfect. We don't know how and we don't now when but we know the day will come. There is a beautiful, special and amazing world out here and your daddy and I are waiting with our arms wide open for you.

Thank You for making me the person I am today. 
Everything I do, I do it for you! 

Love always, 
Your Mumma x