Infertility scars you. There is no denying it. Through my years of trying to conceive our baby I did not once let it directly effect my life. The whole journey became a positive influence on my life and shaped me into the person I am today. However, deep down, there is that little piece of my heart that was broken off and a tiny tiny piece that was taken away by the awful process. This hole in my heart left me with fear and the big question of 'what if'. I never understood why I was cursed (?) blessed (?) with infertility. Was God punishing me? Why us? Why did we have to wait? Why did we have to go through month after month of negatives and then go through injections and surgery to conceive our baby boy. There is no answer. We will never know. I thought about this every so often but the blessing of infertility far outweighed these feelings.
When I gave birth to our son that little hole in my heart became very evident and effected me on a daily basis. I was being trusted with the life of a precious baby and this brought up this new found fear and that awful question of 'what if'. For weeks I was scared. So scared of my baby. So scared for my baby. I didn't want anyone near me or our home or our baby because I didn't want anything to happen. I had the most unbelievably perfect baby. Why was I blessed with such perfection. I was scared that this would be taken away from me just like having a baby naturally was. I remember asking one night how I would know if my baby has brain cancer. This seems like the most ridiculous and very drastic question but these are the games my mind was playing. When we were trying for our baby everyone told us to 'relax' 'our time will come' 'it will happen' But it didn't. I said I will probably have to do IVF but everyone shrugged it off. It didn't happen and we had to use science to help us. My 'what if' question actually became my reality and when I became a mother I was scared that my 'what if' questions about my baby...that I am sure all new mothers have...would came true.
Then I met Heather. Heather reached out to me through this blog and shared with me her beautiful story. A story of courage, determination, trust and complete faith.
Heather was given the fight of her life and was diagnosed with 'Mesothelioma'. Mesothelioma is an aggressive cancer caused by the exposure to asbestos. As a little girl Heather would dress in her Daddy's work coat which was covered in asbestos. At just 36 after giving birth to her baby girl she was diagnosed with this cancer and was given 15 months to live. 15 precious months left with her family and her baby. This diagnoses lit a fire inside and a willingness to fight. On February 2nd 2006 she went in for life saving surgery and they took 1 of her lungs. To make light of the situation her sister named the 2nd of February 'Lung Leaving Day' and they have celebrated it ever since. 9 years later and Heather is still fighting and still celebrating. Today is a special day. A day to overcome your fears. Today Heather and I ask you to be true to yourself, acknowledge your fears and then throw them away into the universe and hold nothing but faith and trust in your heart.
In comparison, my fears are nothing. However in life we must not compare. In my life these fears are important but Heather has given me the strength and courage to stand up and take back the joy and excitement of motherhood. Tonight I acknowledge that it is ok to be scared but tonight I will also make a promise to be kind to myself, be positive and let go of my fears. I can't change the future. I do not know what cards we will be dealt with. But I do know that I trust God. I trust that he will look after us no matter what journey he takes us on. I don't need to fear the worst for my baby but rejoice in his perfection and be proud of the beautiful strong soul he is. Thank You Heather! Thank You for being you and for inspiring us all!
Love, Peace and Hope
x S.K.K x
Tonight I ask you to write down your fears, cut them up and throw them away! Let go of the past and the negative and have faith! You can learn more about Heather and join in the movement at http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/lungleavinday