Tuesday, November 26, 2013

My IVF Injections

On the 24th of October 2013 we had our first meeting with our IVF nurse. We didn't know what to expect. I'm not a researcher. I don't Google. So I was kind of in the dark about IVF. I kind of knew that they had to take my eggs and Robs sperm and put them together to make a baby and I knew I had to take injections. That was it really. The meeting was long and we had to learn and take in a lot of information. We signed all the papers and handed over our entire savings. We had nothing left. No control, no money and no chance of conceiving naturally. The fate of our baby was now completely in the hands of the amazing team at MIVF.

Our original plan was to start in January 2014. We were going to finish out 2013 with a bang, borrow the money and begin our IVF journey in the new year. Somehow I had managed to save the cash and my period was starting in 3 days so there was literally nothing stopping us. We had no time to think about it. No time to worry or stress or back down. We made the quick decision and we were starting IVF in 3 days!

Three days! That is all we had to get our heads in the game.

My period, for the first time in months, was a day late so our IVF cycle actually started on the 28th. I had my bloods taken and my Doctor did a routine internal ultrasound. I started with 10 follicles. 5 on my right ovary and 5 on my left ovary. My lining was 3mm. He was happy and we were ready to start. I picked up all of my medications and it was go time.

On the 30th of November 2013 I did my first injection. There is NOTHING that can prepare you for the injections...except for me telling you that YOU WILL GET THROUGH! I had the biggest tantrum and meltdown of my life. Literally. Took me 20 minutes to do my first injection. It was purely mental but I could not do it. This was the exact moment I was dreading. The moment I had played over and over in my head! How does one take a needle and inject themselves. I never had a fear of needles until I was told I had to do IVF. My mind was fixated on this one hurdle and I could not move past it. I cried, I yelled, I swore at myself, I pep talked to myself but nothing could make my hand push that needle into my body. I knew the minute I injected there was no turning back. That was it. It was hard for me to let go of the person I worked hard to be. I had worked my ass of to make my mind and body strong for this very moment and the second that needle went inside me I knew that it would all be tested and I had to fight the biggest fight of my life.

It was the HARDEST and EASIEST thing I have ever done in my life. It was a massive mind battle but once I got over the fight it was simple. It took me 3 days to emotionally deal with the injections. Each time I did it I cried. I would wake up at 5.30am every morning, take the needle, then go back to bed and silently cry myself back to sleep. It wasn't fair that I had to do this. It stung most days. Not the needles but the medication inside my body. Not bad but just enough to make me be uncomfortable and be a massive rub of salt in the wound. I was a good person. I did everything right. I lived peacefully, ate healthily and kept my body fit and strong and here I was having to do this. It was hard to come to terms with emotionally but I got there.

In the end I knew that...

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Your First Teddy Bear

Dear Baby K,

Today we started a very special tradition for our little family. For years I have been dreaming about all of the amazing things we will get to experience with you. All of the traditions we will start and all the memories we will create.  I dream of story times and bath times and Christmas' and birthdays and night time cuddles and prayers before bed. There is an amazing world out here and I cant wait to show you the beauty and magic that you will be lucky enough to live amongst.

There is a special tradition that I have been dreaming about since the minute you were prayed for. Your birthday. That special day every year that we thank the heavens above for you, our special gift from god. Every day we will celebrate you, but on your birthday, we will celebrate that extra bit harder because this will be the day we meet you, our beautiful angel. The day your daddy and I have been dreaming about for years. The moment you will be placed in our arms and our world will change forever. On your birthday we want to give you the world but also teach you to have a grateful heart and learn how to give. This is so important my darling. We want you to have a heart of gold. To appreciate all that you have and appreciate how lucky you are.

Every year on your birthday we will take you to a very special place. A magical place where the most beautiful teddy bears live. They wait there patiently for a special boy or girl to come and build them, dress them and promise to love them. We will bring you here on your 1st birthday. You will be able to choose your very own teddy bear. Your very own bear to build, create and love for the whole year that you are 1. This will become your special birthday tradition. Every year on your birthday your Daddy and I will bring you here and every year you can build your very own special bear. As you get older we will teach you the gift of giving. Each year before your birthday we will brush and clean your bear and tie it in a bow. We will thank the bear for all the special times we have had with them and give them some extra special cuddles and kisses. We will then show you how to give. Your special bear will find a new home. Someone who is having a difficult time and needs some extra special love. You will have given this love to your teddy and by passing it on to someone in need all of your love will be given to them and they will be happy. It is very important our darling child to make others happy. It will warm your heart and make you burst with happiness. The gift of giving will make you stronger, happier and very blessed. 

Today we started your special tradition for you and made you your very first Teddy Bear.

Today on the 27th of October 2013, which will be a very special date in your Mumma and Daddies heart, we went to this magical teddy bear place and built your first Teddy. We chose a rainbow teddy together and filled it with lots of love. Before we stitched your teddy up we gave you a special gift. You will never be able to see this gift but know that the love from this gift will be with you forever. This bear will be a symbol of our love for you. We want you to always know darling that you were created through love. The deepest, greatest, passionate love that we could ever imagine. So today we took our hearts and gave them to you. A heart from your Daddy and a heart from your Mumma. You will be an amazing creation from both of us and your special bear will be the symbol of our 2 hearts combined.

Along with our hearts we dressed your teddy bear to represent a little bit of Daddy and a little bit of Mumma. It turned out perfectly. Your Daddy chose the outfit to represent him and I chose your accessories to represent me.

 Your Daddy is a fisherman. A very dedicated fisherman. You will probably learn how to bait a hook and catch a fish before you can talk and that will be special. Your daddy found this fabulous fishing outfit complete with a fishing rod and 2 silver fish. I thought it was perfect. 

 I chose pink ballet slippers and a tiara. When you grow up darling you will learn that this is just your Mumma. It describes me, Sarah, perfectly and when you look at your teddy you will smile and know why. 

We registered your Teddy. Gave it a name and made a special birth certificate to give to you.

We will give you this Teddy bear on the day of your birth. Our special gift from us to you. Your very first Teddy Bear and present that your Daddy and I have brought together for you.

We are about to start a journey. A special ride that we will take to bring you into our world. This Teddy will bring us hope. This Teddy will bring us luck. When times get tough I know that I can just hold it tight and believe that you will be here soon.

This special teddy we will always keep. We will never get rid of it and will be kept for you to give to your own children one day. I hope that whenever you are sad or scared or alone you can hug your teddy and know that Mumma and Daddy are always with you. After all, this teddy does hold our hearts and can give you all the love you need in the world.
You are the sparkle in your Daddies eyes and the wish in your Mummas heart.
 We pray for you every day.

 Love Always,
Your Mumma x

The Angry Truth

 ...sometimes I get angry...

Blood curdling, body shaking, tear jerking angry. No amount of positive thinking could help me. It all started last week. I felt the anger and all I could do was cry. I decided to try acupuncture as it was very highly recommended by my fertility doctors, nurses and friends. I had never done acupuncture before because the thought of all those needles getting stuck in me freaked me out....blank stare...haha clearly with what I am about to go through I need to get over that quick smart. SO I booked in and went. I had no idea what type of effect it would have on me. It made me angry. For the entire 2 years we have been trying for a baby I have never, not a single minute, been angry. In fact I have never been sad, hurt or felt any negative feelings at all. I have taken it all in my stride and have chosen to look on the brighter side of life. Nothing could bring me down. I was strong, I was happy and I had trust and faith and relied solely on my never ending hope to pull me through. Until I got acupuncture.

When the needles went in I think it hit me. It FINALLY hit me that we will be going through IVF to get our beautiful baby. Until this point it just seemed like a dream. I didn't know what I felt. But when I had the acupuncture and saw, and felt, the needles inside my skin it all hit me. This will be my new reality. My body will solely rely on hormones that I will inject into my skin every morning to help create our baby...and this made me angry. Why did I, the girl who prides herself on living the healthiest, safe, non medicated, alcohol, smoke and drug free life have to start injecting herself with needles every day to get our beautiful baby? Why do I have to go through needles and surgeries and the waiting and unknown to become a Mumma and start our family? This made me angry. More than I can write or explain to you. The heat in my body is painful and my heart hurts. I know its going to be ok and I know I am strong and I know we will get through it and I know that's what you will all say but right now I am angry and I deserve to be.

This is new to me. This feeling. My mind was wandering to a dark place that I haven't allowed it to go in a very long time. I didn't know what to do. I knew we were about to go through a massive journey and we have no idea what to expect so I need to prepare to face all battles. I need to prepare my mind to face every emotional battle that I will go through in this journey.

So I decided to feel it. I let the anger take over just for a little minute. I allowed my mind to get angry. I got angry at my fallopian tubes, I got angry at my surgeon, I got angry at the stupid vitamins I have to take and the stupid needles I'm about to inject into my stomach. Every now and then over the past week I've been angry and sad and hurt and scared. I've allowed my mind to be out of control just for a moment to feel these emotions. Its important to me that I experience every part of this journey. So I can learn how to deal with them. I allow myself to be angry then I stop, put music on, meditate, fall asleep and wake up happy.

You want honestly and this is my honesty. Its going to be a hard ride, a dam hard ride. I am preparing myself for every bump in the road. I'm not going to lie to you and say its going to be all sunshine and rainbows the entire way. I've learned to feel every emotion, and when it's bad I just feel it, breath in and then let it go. I'm strong and will fight with everything I have to get through this. I will not let it effect my life because life is just simply to amazing to be angry, sad and negative. Life is also too amazing not to feel every emotion we have been given. Yes it will be hard. Yes I will get angry. But I will also be happy, excited, proud, determined, accomplished and most of filled the greatest love I will ever know. All of the anger and sadness with be god dam worth it.

This is my angry truth...but I've got this!

Peace Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Our New Path

They say a picture speaks a thousand words...


As we drove away from my HSG scan on Wednesday the 11th of September I snapped this photo and it literally speaks every raw emotion both of us were feeling. Finally I had proof behind my gut feeling. I always knew. Deep down. Maybe this is what helped me through the 2 years of trying. Why I didn't allow myself to get upset over it. Why I took those 2 years and made every single moment count. I knew, deep down, that it would be a fight and I made sure I was dam ready. Rob was quiet. Very quiet. I kept asking and pushing and trying to get inside his head. I could tell he was angry. He kept saying "it just sucks" and you know what...it absolutely does.

My tubes are blocked. The egg couldn't meet the sperm. There was a blockage in the system and even though we prayed, hoped and wished every day there was just no chance of us conceiving our baby naturally. Not now anyway. Maybe in the future...but not now.

On the 17th of September, with guidance from our Doctor, we made a decision. Our lives will be taken over and for the first time Rob and I will have to take a deep breath, tie our hearts together and gently place our lives, health, dreams and future in to someone else's hands.

This is it. Our new path. IVF. We are now trusting the amazing magic of science to bring us our baby. It is so hard to comprehend sometimes. A man or woman will 'help' us create our family. I now have to shift my faith and let a complete stranger play God. What a ride we are about to take. A roller coaster ride that will take us to our highest of highs and our lowest of lows. We are ready. I have never been more ready to take on anything in my entire life. How many emotions can you feel in a single moment? Well I'm feeling every single one of them and more. I feel eager to take on this new challenge, angry that we will have to go to extreme measures to pay for our journey, nervous about injecting myself but above all undeniably, heart pounding and hand shakily excited to think that within a year or 2 we will have our baby. I would pay a million dollars and inject a million times over to hold our miracle in our arms.

In a single moment our lives changed forever. "Let's do IVF" These 3 words hold so much fear and pain yet so much love and hope. We've got this. We've totally got this. With our strength, love, stubbornness and heart aching hope for our baby we've totally got this...together

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Our Plumbing Problem

Trying to conceive our baby has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am so proud, and in all honesty shocked, at the way Rob and I have dealt with our journey. We have become strong and we have never ever given up hope. That's hard to do when going through this situation but we have broken the 'stereotype' and taken this head on...together. One thing we decided from early on was that we would not let this affect our every day lives. We didn't want to let 'trying for a baby' consume our lives. We wanted our baby to be a blessing for us and never once be a negative experience. In the entire 2 years of trying for our miracle we never once made 'sexual intercourse' about baby making. We never did the 'baby dance', we never watched the clock and scheduled our 'bed times'. We agreed that our baby would be made through love and not structure. Saying that statement now is just beyond hilarious given what we are about to go through but at the time it was about Rob and I and creating a baby out of love, peace and hope. 

We tested early on in our journey. I peed on a few sticks. I am very lucky that my cycle is spot on to the day so in the early months I would test 5 days early even 7 days early but always with a negative. I had 3 phantom pregnancies. 3 months when I would feel exhausted, hungry, all the 'typical pregnancy' symptoms and then my period would be late. These days we became excited. My heart stopped, I held my breath and prayed to god for it to be true. I knew deep down it wasn't but I hoped. God knows I hoped. Eventually we stopped testing. We simply waited for my period. It always came. Spot on, on the day. Complete with uncomfortable weight gain, unbearable cramps and terrible acne. Just that extra little salt to rub on the wound. 

We agreed that it wasn't our time. We had so much to look forward to and going on in our lives that we felt at peace that it wasn't our time. We had dreams to fill, goals to reach and an awesome life to live. It was at this moment that I completely surrendered our lives and placed our journey in Gods hands. We had tried. We had tried our absolute hardest. We gave that little sperm and egg a chance to meet every other day for months and it didn't work.

I had a random appointment with my doctor and the topic of babies came up and she wanted to take all my blood work just to make sure. It had only been 6 months but she didn't want to wait. My bloods came back low. My iron was so low again it was bordering on anemia and a few other hormonal levels were unacceptable. My levels were so low that even if I did get pregnant my body would not be able to support the pregnancy and I would miscarry. I knew it was time to take action and get my body in the best shape possible so I could nurture our baby in the best possible way! God was giving me time so I took every dam second and made it count. 

I made my body healthy. Medication free. I raised every single level that was low by using specific foods. I am not against medication but I chose to heal myself naturally. I am only young and I know that some day I would have to rely on medication to get me through a tough time. Little did I know that time would be right around the corner, but then, while I could, I chose natural over the pills. I literally cried when I went back months and months later and found out all my levels were perfect. I beat it. Naturally. I fought hard and worked my butt off and I beat it. Using wholesome clean foods and exercise. I was proud. Rob was proud. I still didn't get pregnant but I changed my life and I knew that when the moment came, when we got the news we were pregnant with our miracle, I would be ready and my body would be ready. 

Another year passed and we still didn't have our baby. I was focused on keeping my mind positive, my body healthy and our lives happy. Days and months flew by. We were reaching our goals and living out our dreams. Life was perfect and we knew that God had a plan. After a year and a half of trying, a year and a half of periods and a year and a half of "we aren't pregnant" thoughts we waved our white flag, admitted defeat, gave in and went to see a doctor together. Rob was tested. Perfect. I was tested...again. Perfect. All of our 'stats' were perfect. I ovulated beautifully and on time and robs babies were strong. I tested negative for Polycystic Ovary Disease and Endometriosis. We knew testing had to start getting serious and so our next step was to find a fertility specialist. 

We searched long and hard and even had an appointment with one that we didn't feel comfortable with. A beautiful lady pointed us in the right direction and we finally found our doctor...Dr K. He was warm, welcoming and funny. He didn't bullshit and got down to business. He was our type of guy. He tested us all over again. All positive. The eggs were there and the sperm were there but they just weren't meeting. "There is something wrong with your plumbing" ...told you he was 'hilarious'. Dr K bought something to our attention that neither I or Rob had even thought of. He was concerned about my previous surgery. In 2008 I had abdominal surgery that involved a lot of moving, cutting, pulling out and putting back together of all my abdominal organs. He talked to my surgeon and sent me for a hysterosalpingogram or HSG scan. 

I was told it was an X-ray and went in thinking I was getting a simple X-ray of my abdo done. Nope, wrong, completely way off. Sitting in a tiny cubicle naked with a tiny sheet wrapped around me I lost it. Reading through the paperwork and having to sign saying I agreed to a procedure I had no clue about pushed me over the edge. A beautiful nurse sat me down and went through the whole thing with me and got Rob to come give me a cuddle. When I was ready to go in poor Rob wouldn't leave me, but after a reassuring smile and a push from the nurse he reluctantly went back to the waiting room. 

When going for a HSG scan or a simple X-ray as I was told you are not alone. You have a surgeon, 2 nurses and a radiologist all there with you looking after your vagina, cervix and uterus. They've got it covered. During the scan the surgeon will insert a speculum and then a cannula. Dye is flushed through the cannula into your cervix and out through your Fallopian tubes. It didn't hurt at all. I was in no pain or discomfort. They kept asking me every 10 seconds if I was ok but I was totally fine. The aim of the scan is for the dye to go through the Fallopian tubes so they can take an X-ray. If there is a blockage the dye will stop or thin out and they can take an X-ray of this. While laying there naked with a stranger all up in my business and 3 ladies watching on I watched the screen as he inserted the dye and every hope of conceiving our baby naturally slowly faded away. The dye went no where. He inserted the balloon, pumped and tried to force the dye but it went no where. They took photos and all left me lying there to go to the room to have a closer look. They were quiet. They didn't need to be gentle with me I knew what was going on and I could take it. They came back and tried the procedure again. Balloon pumped, cannula filled and nope...nothing. That dye was going no where. 

2 years of hope, 2 years of waiting, 2 years of wondering.
We finally had our answers.
Ironically enough, the plumbers wife does have a problem with her plumbing.

Peace Love and Hope

x S.K.K x 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Years of Planning

Dear Baby K,

I have been dreaming of you my whole life. When your daddy and I decided to start trying for you my whole world changed and the excitement was so overwhelming. I began dreaming, envisioning and planning your world. I would dream about what it would be like to have you start growing inside my belly. I would envision standing in the sunset, just you and I, getting our photo taken so we can look back at this special time together. I would dream about rocking in my rocking chair feeding you to sleep. I would think about books that I would read to you each night before bed. I would dream about what I would eat, how I would move my body and what I would put on my skin to ensure you were always safe and healthy and me, your mumma, would be safe and healthy. Would we have a girl first or would we have a boy first. Would I be a mumma to a surfer, skater or bush boy? Would I be a Mumma to a ballet dancing, sport playing or surfer girl?

We started planning what colours we would have in your nursery. We researched what cot you would sleep in at night and what colour your little suit would be when we brought you home from hospital. I worried night after night about how to introduce you to all our feathered and furry babies and whether they would love you just as much as your daddy and I do. I got excited about being pregnant and dressing my body as I prepare to be a Mumma. I searched and searched all over the internet for a gorgeous baby bag that I would carry all of your things when we visit family and go out for the day. I started buying books to go in my bookcase so the day I found out you were joining our family I could start reading and learning and preparing for this life changing journey.

As your mummy I would dream every night of holding you in my arms and kissing your little face. I would dream of making your lunches and dropping you off at school. I would dream of holidays on the beach and camping in the bush. Your daddy and I talked about what you would look like. Whether you would have our blue eyes and blonde hair? We ALWAYS talked about names. Your first name and your middle names and we have a list of our favourites. We can't wait until you are here so we can so your eyes and your nose and your smile and choose the perfect name for you our gorgeous angel.

2 years have come and gone since we decided to bring you into our family. One of the perks of trying for a baby for 2 years is the chance to plan. The chance to dream, the chance to wish, the chance for your mumma and daddy to be the best we can be for when you come to us. All of the above is our favourites. Our favourite themes, my favourite bags, our favourite clothes, our favourite colours and best of all our favourite names. Through our entire journey we've kept our eye on our dream and we have never ever, not for one single moment, given up on you. We plan every day and we dream every day just in case a miracle happens and we fall pregnant with you. We will continue to plan, research, and learn until the day you are born and for an entire lifetime after that. You bring so much excitement to your mumma and daddies lives and you are not even here yet. Every plan, love and 'favourite' will probably be thrown out the window when we see those special double lines but until then we will keep the fun, happiness and excitement in 'trying for a baby'. 

You are the sparkle in your daddies eyes and the wish in your mummas heart.
 We pray for you every day.

 Love Always,
Your Mumma x

Friday, September 20, 2013

Sarah's Heavy Heart

Let me read you a story. It is called "Sarah's Heavy Heart" by Peter Caravas

Sarah had a heavy heart.

She carried it wherever she went.
On the bus.

At school.
In the playground.

And while riding her bike.
Sleeping with a heavy heart was hard

and bedtime was impossible.
Sarah knew the heart would always be hers to carry.
She just wished it wasn't so heavy.

One morning at the bus stop, something floated by.

"What are you doing up there?" Sarah asked.
"My heart's not heavy enough," replied the boy.
Sarah followed him as he drifted through the air.
He floated past trees,

tall buildings,

and low-lying clouds.

The boy came to rest in a paddock on the edge of town.
Sarah helped him up. "Has this happened before?" she asked.
The boy nodded. "It's worse in windy weather," he said.
"My heart just gets carried away.
Sarah sighed. "My heart weighs me down."

They sat together in the paddock, watching and wondering.

Then without a word, Sarah pulled a ribbon from her hair.
The boy watched as Sarah took his heart and tied it to her own.
"What do you think?" she asked.
He answered with a smile.

And with hearts bound, Sarah and the boy started towards the town. 

I do have a heavy heart. I was taught by my parents to love hard, care, forgive always, fight for people, help others and do everything in my power to make those I love happy. This I will never change but it does take its toll and my heart is very heavy. It's filled with deep compassion and empathy for the sick, the elderly, the sad, the weak. I ache for those around me who are not in the same place I am. Happy.

 6 years ago a special man floated past and changed my life forever. He was crazy, irrational, he pushed boundaries and he lived hard with no regrets and no limits. Life was a game and he was in it to play every last second and every last inch. He lived life in the sky with a big beautiful heart.

I couldn't of written a more perfect story about our love and relationship if I tried. Somehow we found each other. Years and partners came and went and in a random moment we became 'us'. We are chalk and cheese, on paper we don't fit, we challenge each other every day and we battle, but we are us. We tied our hearts together and I have helped him be grounded more and he has taught me to spread my wings and fly. 

Over the years our 'heart roles' have changed. Sometimes he's had the heavy heart and I've given my all to take some of his weight away. Other times I need his guidance and his spirit to lift me up when my heart is too heavy to carry on.

Now we face a new challenge. A huge challenge. Our lives will be taken over and for the first time Rob and I will have to take a deep breath, close our eyes and jump. We can't plan, we can't predict and we have absolutely no control. Over this journey our roles will change. We will be heavy, we will be light and we will have to rely on each other to get us through.

I will keep this book in our lounge room. It will always be there. When I lose faith and when I lose sight. When we struggle with balance I will read this and know that all we have to do is tie our hearts together, look forward and never lose hope.

Peace, Love and Hope.

x S.K.K x

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Silver Lining of Infertility

Dear Baby K

One day your daddy and I were sitting in our home feeding our gorgeous little bird Ruby. You will get to meet Ruby one day and she will bring you so much laughter and happiness. I can't wait! We were sitting down together feeding her when all of a sudden your daddy looked at me and said "You're going to be an amazing Mum one day, we should have a baby" You will never ever know how much these words meant to me little one. For years, you are all I have ever dreamed of. From a little girl I knew straight away what my purpose in life was. My mum, your Grandma, was the Center of my universe and I knew that when I grew up all I wanted to be was her. A mummy. Every path I have taken and every road I have traveled has led me to my ultimate dream of being a mummy. From the moment I learned how to dream I knew this was it. It's all I ever wanted.

Your daddy and I had a long journey to travel before our lives could begin together. God made sure that I had met the people I needed to meet and learn from the mistakes that I made before he threw me into your daddy's arms. You wait until you meet your daddy. Oh my darling you are seriously one of the luckiest souls in the world to have this man as your daddy. No one truly knows the true love, kindness and passion that is in his heart but me and I can't wait for the day that I can share him with you. When we got married I knew I was ready for you. I 'thought' I was ready for you. Your daddy had other plans. He's the thinker and the planner and needed everything perfect before we brought you into our lives. He had a plan and needed to work his way up to his goals. As his wife I supported this. Your daddy and I are a team and we both needed to be on the same playing field before you came in to play this beautiful game of life. I didn't like it. Not one single bit. Oh how I ached for you. I've spent my entire life looking after and caring for other people's children and it killed me to have to wait just that little bit extra. We waited. I waited. Finally the day came when your daddy spoke those beautiful words to me..."we should have a baby" He was ready. It was one of the greatest days of my life and I don't think I will ever forget it.

From that day forward you were it babes. You were our every word, every conversation, every plan and every smile. This was our time. I thought I was on track, happy and ready for you. You and God had other plans. It has been a very long journey from that day. A journey I could never have even imagined. That day seems like a life time ago. The girl I once knew is now a distant memory. The girl who thought she was ready for a baby and motherhood has flown away and I still get so shocked by the person I have become.

You knew...all along. I sometimes sat and wondered why you hadn't come to us yet. Where was our baby? They say perfection takes time and I knew that god was taking his time in making you "our perfect" When I look back at our time waiting for you I feel nothing but eternal gratitude and complete happiness. For most, it's a hard journey. I'm not saying it was always easy waiting for you but my god my darling it has made me so strong. Today, right now, I am the strongest I have ever been and it is all because of you. Every day I prayed for you and every day I felt the words "just hold on". That's what Ive done, held on. Ive held on for the ride. After about 10 months of wishing and praying for you I surrendered myself completely to god, to the universe and to you my baby. I knew you had a plan and I had to allow God to guide me in the right direction to you. There is a reason why you have taken this long time to come into our lives.

 I took this time to think. I opened my eyes and took a long hard look deep into my soul. What I saw was simply amazing. I owed it to you to find my true self and to become the absolute best person I could be. That's when I knew my reason, your reason, his reason. I wasn't ready for you and you knew this. This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces because I would give my everything to have you in my arms right now, but you and I both know that the wait will be worth it. When you enter our lives I need to be complete before I commit my life and my purpose to you. To be the best mummy in the world I needed to be the best Sarah in the world. Every day I found my internal beauty, self love and life changing confidence that I hope you will be proud of. Everything I do, I know that one day I will be able to share this with you and I will be able to teach you the greatest gifts this world has to offer. This my beautiful baby is priceless. This time waiting for you has been completely priceless and I thank you for teaching me the most amazing lessons life has to offer. You aren't even here in our world yet and you have given me a lifetime of self love, gratitude and hope.

You are an amazing gift. I'm still learning and growing...and waiting. Every day is a lesson for me. I've learned some very special and life changing values that I truly believe have changed me. I cant wait to share these with you and teach you the beauty and wonders of the world. Your mummy is a completely different person now and through the heartache, tears and waiting I have never ever given up hope. I never will. Your daddy especially has never ever given up hope. We've cried for you, wished for you, prayed for you but have never given up hope. We wait every single day. I know God will send you to us when the time is perfect. We don't know how and we don't now when but we know the day will come. There is a beautiful, special and amazing world out here and your daddy and I are waiting with our arms wide open for you.

Thank You for making me the person I am today. 
Everything I do, I do it for you! 

Love always, 
Your Mumma x 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Every Day

If you start your day with great passion and end your day with deep gratitude you will never regret a single moment! 

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Happiest 5K

On Sunday these 5 gorgeous girls and I participated in the Swisse Color Run. 
It is described as the happiest 5K on the planet and it seriously was!

Together we dressed in white and ran the 5 kilometers together in honor of a very special lady.
6 girls, 1 team...Georgina's Angels...running, laughing, dancing smiling and living life to the fullest.

Thousands of people, all dressed in white, came together to raise money for a very special cause. What a sight! There was no competition. There was no timing. Just people of all different ages, races and fitness levels running a 5 kilometer course filled with laughter, fun, celebration and COLOUR.

This was my first ever group run. It is hard running off the cement. A totally different run. We stopped during each of the colours and the course wasn't quite 5K due to wet weather but I was proud at how my body handled it. I'm now more determined than ever to perfect my 5K and aim for 10!

We did it! "Georgie's Angles" conquered the Color Run.

and then the colour came...

It was completely amazing yet completely crazy all at the same time! You are literally in a giant cloud of powder! On the second colour explosion we learnt our lesson and stuck to the side lines! 

We danced, we sang, we partied hard and I seriously could not wipe the smile of my face the entire day! What an experience! Definitely a morning I will never forget!


The Swisse Color Run...You ROCKED my world!

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

An extra special thank you to Wesley McNeil Photography for allowing me to use the first 2 pictures!
They are gorgeous! Captured perfectly!