Sunday, October 27, 2013

Your First Teddy Bear

Dear Baby K,

Today we started a very special tradition for our little family. For years I have been dreaming about all of the amazing things we will get to experience with you. All of the traditions we will start and all the memories we will create.  I dream of story times and bath times and Christmas' and birthdays and night time cuddles and prayers before bed. There is an amazing world out here and I cant wait to show you the beauty and magic that you will be lucky enough to live amongst.

There is a special tradition that I have been dreaming about since the minute you were prayed for. Your birthday. That special day every year that we thank the heavens above for you, our special gift from god. Every day we will celebrate you, but on your birthday, we will celebrate that extra bit harder because this will be the day we meet you, our beautiful angel. The day your daddy and I have been dreaming about for years. The moment you will be placed in our arms and our world will change forever. On your birthday we want to give you the world but also teach you to have a grateful heart and learn how to give. This is so important my darling. We want you to have a heart of gold. To appreciate all that you have and appreciate how lucky you are.

Every year on your birthday we will take you to a very special place. A magical place where the most beautiful teddy bears live. They wait there patiently for a special boy or girl to come and build them, dress them and promise to love them. We will bring you here on your 1st birthday. You will be able to choose your very own teddy bear. Your very own bear to build, create and love for the whole year that you are 1. This will become your special birthday tradition. Every year on your birthday your Daddy and I will bring you here and every year you can build your very own special bear. As you get older we will teach you the gift of giving. Each year before your birthday we will brush and clean your bear and tie it in a bow. We will thank the bear for all the special times we have had with them and give them some extra special cuddles and kisses. We will then show you how to give. Your special bear will find a new home. Someone who is having a difficult time and needs some extra special love. You will have given this love to your teddy and by passing it on to someone in need all of your love will be given to them and they will be happy. It is very important our darling child to make others happy. It will warm your heart and make you burst with happiness. The gift of giving will make you stronger, happier and very blessed. 

Today we started your special tradition for you and made you your very first Teddy Bear.

Today on the 27th of October 2013, which will be a very special date in your Mumma and Daddies heart, we went to this magical teddy bear place and built your first Teddy. We chose a rainbow teddy together and filled it with lots of love. Before we stitched your teddy up we gave you a special gift. You will never be able to see this gift but know that the love from this gift will be with you forever. This bear will be a symbol of our love for you. We want you to always know darling that you were created through love. The deepest, greatest, passionate love that we could ever imagine. So today we took our hearts and gave them to you. A heart from your Daddy and a heart from your Mumma. You will be an amazing creation from both of us and your special bear will be the symbol of our 2 hearts combined.

Along with our hearts we dressed your teddy bear to represent a little bit of Daddy and a little bit of Mumma. It turned out perfectly. Your Daddy chose the outfit to represent him and I chose your accessories to represent me.

 Your Daddy is a fisherman. A very dedicated fisherman. You will probably learn how to bait a hook and catch a fish before you can talk and that will be special. Your daddy found this fabulous fishing outfit complete with a fishing rod and 2 silver fish. I thought it was perfect. 

 I chose pink ballet slippers and a tiara. When you grow up darling you will learn that this is just your Mumma. It describes me, Sarah, perfectly and when you look at your teddy you will smile and know why. 

We registered your Teddy. Gave it a name and made a special birth certificate to give to you.

We will give you this Teddy bear on the day of your birth. Our special gift from us to you. Your very first Teddy Bear and present that your Daddy and I have brought together for you.

We are about to start a journey. A special ride that we will take to bring you into our world. This Teddy will bring us hope. This Teddy will bring us luck. When times get tough I know that I can just hold it tight and believe that you will be here soon.

This special teddy we will always keep. We will never get rid of it and will be kept for you to give to your own children one day. I hope that whenever you are sad or scared or alone you can hug your teddy and know that Mumma and Daddy are always with you. After all, this teddy does hold our hearts and can give you all the love you need in the world.
You are the sparkle in your Daddies eyes and the wish in your Mummas heart.
 We pray for you every day.

 Love Always,
Your Mumma x

The Angry Truth

 ...sometimes I get angry...

Blood curdling, body shaking, tear jerking angry. No amount of positive thinking could help me. It all started last week. I felt the anger and all I could do was cry. I decided to try acupuncture as it was very highly recommended by my fertility doctors, nurses and friends. I had never done acupuncture before because the thought of all those needles getting stuck in me freaked me out....blank stare...haha clearly with what I am about to go through I need to get over that quick smart. SO I booked in and went. I had no idea what type of effect it would have on me. It made me angry. For the entire 2 years we have been trying for a baby I have never, not a single minute, been angry. In fact I have never been sad, hurt or felt any negative feelings at all. I have taken it all in my stride and have chosen to look on the brighter side of life. Nothing could bring me down. I was strong, I was happy and I had trust and faith and relied solely on my never ending hope to pull me through. Until I got acupuncture.

When the needles went in I think it hit me. It FINALLY hit me that we will be going through IVF to get our beautiful baby. Until this point it just seemed like a dream. I didn't know what I felt. But when I had the acupuncture and saw, and felt, the needles inside my skin it all hit me. This will be my new reality. My body will solely rely on hormones that I will inject into my skin every morning to help create our baby...and this made me angry. Why did I, the girl who prides herself on living the healthiest, safe, non medicated, alcohol, smoke and drug free life have to start injecting herself with needles every day to get our beautiful baby? Why do I have to go through needles and surgeries and the waiting and unknown to become a Mumma and start our family? This made me angry. More than I can write or explain to you. The heat in my body is painful and my heart hurts. I know its going to be ok and I know I am strong and I know we will get through it and I know that's what you will all say but right now I am angry and I deserve to be.

This is new to me. This feeling. My mind was wandering to a dark place that I haven't allowed it to go in a very long time. I didn't know what to do. I knew we were about to go through a massive journey and we have no idea what to expect so I need to prepare to face all battles. I need to prepare my mind to face every emotional battle that I will go through in this journey.

So I decided to feel it. I let the anger take over just for a little minute. I allowed my mind to get angry. I got angry at my fallopian tubes, I got angry at my surgeon, I got angry at the stupid vitamins I have to take and the stupid needles I'm about to inject into my stomach. Every now and then over the past week I've been angry and sad and hurt and scared. I've allowed my mind to be out of control just for a moment to feel these emotions. Its important to me that I experience every part of this journey. So I can learn how to deal with them. I allow myself to be angry then I stop, put music on, meditate, fall asleep and wake up happy.

You want honestly and this is my honesty. Its going to be a hard ride, a dam hard ride. I am preparing myself for every bump in the road. I'm not going to lie to you and say its going to be all sunshine and rainbows the entire way. I've learned to feel every emotion, and when it's bad I just feel it, breath in and then let it go. I'm strong and will fight with everything I have to get through this. I will not let it effect my life because life is just simply to amazing to be angry, sad and negative. Life is also too amazing not to feel every emotion we have been given. Yes it will be hard. Yes I will get angry. But I will also be happy, excited, proud, determined, accomplished and most of filled the greatest love I will ever know. All of the anger and sadness with be god dam worth it.

This is my angry truth...but I've got this!

Peace Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Our New Path

They say a picture speaks a thousand words...


As we drove away from my HSG scan on Wednesday the 11th of September I snapped this photo and it literally speaks every raw emotion both of us were feeling. Finally I had proof behind my gut feeling. I always knew. Deep down. Maybe this is what helped me through the 2 years of trying. Why I didn't allow myself to get upset over it. Why I took those 2 years and made every single moment count. I knew, deep down, that it would be a fight and I made sure I was dam ready. Rob was quiet. Very quiet. I kept asking and pushing and trying to get inside his head. I could tell he was angry. He kept saying "it just sucks" and you know absolutely does.

My tubes are blocked. The egg couldn't meet the sperm. There was a blockage in the system and even though we prayed, hoped and wished every day there was just no chance of us conceiving our baby naturally. Not now anyway. Maybe in the future...but not now.

On the 17th of September, with guidance from our Doctor, we made a decision. Our lives will be taken over and for the first time Rob and I will have to take a deep breath, tie our hearts together and gently place our lives, health, dreams and future in to someone else's hands.

This is it. Our new path. IVF. We are now trusting the amazing magic of science to bring us our baby. It is so hard to comprehend sometimes. A man or woman will 'help' us create our family. I now have to shift my faith and let a complete stranger play God. What a ride we are about to take. A roller coaster ride that will take us to our highest of highs and our lowest of lows. We are ready. I have never been more ready to take on anything in my entire life. How many emotions can you feel in a single moment? Well I'm feeling every single one of them and more. I feel eager to take on this new challenge, angry that we will have to go to extreme measures to pay for our journey, nervous about injecting myself but above all undeniably, heart pounding and hand shakily excited to think that within a year or 2 we will have our baby. I would pay a million dollars and inject a million times over to hold our miracle in our arms.

In a single moment our lives changed forever. "Let's do IVF" These 3 words hold so much fear and pain yet so much love and hope. We've got this. We've totally got this. With our strength, love, stubbornness and heart aching hope for our baby we've totally got this...together

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Our Plumbing Problem

Trying to conceive our baby has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am so proud, and in all honesty shocked, at the way Rob and I have dealt with our journey. We have become strong and we have never ever given up hope. That's hard to do when going through this situation but we have broken the 'stereotype' and taken this head on...together. One thing we decided from early on was that we would not let this affect our every day lives. We didn't want to let 'trying for a baby' consume our lives. We wanted our baby to be a blessing for us and never once be a negative experience. In the entire 2 years of trying for our miracle we never once made 'sexual intercourse' about baby making. We never did the 'baby dance', we never watched the clock and scheduled our 'bed times'. We agreed that our baby would be made through love and not structure. Saying that statement now is just beyond hilarious given what we are about to go through but at the time it was about Rob and I and creating a baby out of love, peace and hope. 

We tested early on in our journey. I peed on a few sticks. I am very lucky that my cycle is spot on to the day so in the early months I would test 5 days early even 7 days early but always with a negative. I had 3 phantom pregnancies. 3 months when I would feel exhausted, hungry, all the 'typical pregnancy' symptoms and then my period would be late. These days we became excited. My heart stopped, I held my breath and prayed to god for it to be true. I knew deep down it wasn't but I hoped. God knows I hoped. Eventually we stopped testing. We simply waited for my period. It always came. Spot on, on the day. Complete with uncomfortable weight gain, unbearable cramps and terrible acne. Just that extra little salt to rub on the wound. 

We agreed that it wasn't our time. We had so much to look forward to and going on in our lives that we felt at peace that it wasn't our time. We had dreams to fill, goals to reach and an awesome life to live. It was at this moment that I completely surrendered our lives and placed our journey in Gods hands. We had tried. We had tried our absolute hardest. We gave that little sperm and egg a chance to meet every other day for months and it didn't work.

I had a random appointment with my doctor and the topic of babies came up and she wanted to take all my blood work just to make sure. It had only been 6 months but she didn't want to wait. My bloods came back low. My iron was so low again it was bordering on anemia and a few other hormonal levels were unacceptable. My levels were so low that even if I did get pregnant my body would not be able to support the pregnancy and I would miscarry. I knew it was time to take action and get my body in the best shape possible so I could nurture our baby in the best possible way! God was giving me time so I took every dam second and made it count. 

I made my body healthy. Medication free. I raised every single level that was low by using specific foods. I am not against medication but I chose to heal myself naturally. I am only young and I know that some day I would have to rely on medication to get me through a tough time. Little did I know that time would be right around the corner, but then, while I could, I chose natural over the pills. I literally cried when I went back months and months later and found out all my levels were perfect. I beat it. Naturally. I fought hard and worked my butt off and I beat it. Using wholesome clean foods and exercise. I was proud. Rob was proud. I still didn't get pregnant but I changed my life and I knew that when the moment came, when we got the news we were pregnant with our miracle, I would be ready and my body would be ready. 

Another year passed and we still didn't have our baby. I was focused on keeping my mind positive, my body healthy and our lives happy. Days and months flew by. We were reaching our goals and living out our dreams. Life was perfect and we knew that God had a plan. After a year and a half of trying, a year and a half of periods and a year and a half of "we aren't pregnant" thoughts we waved our white flag, admitted defeat, gave in and went to see a doctor together. Rob was tested. Perfect. I was tested...again. Perfect. All of our 'stats' were perfect. I ovulated beautifully and on time and robs babies were strong. I tested negative for Polycystic Ovary Disease and Endometriosis. We knew testing had to start getting serious and so our next step was to find a fertility specialist. 

We searched long and hard and even had an appointment with one that we didn't feel comfortable with. A beautiful lady pointed us in the right direction and we finally found our doctor...Dr K. He was warm, welcoming and funny. He didn't bullshit and got down to business. He was our type of guy. He tested us all over again. All positive. The eggs were there and the sperm were there but they just weren't meeting. "There is something wrong with your plumbing" ...told you he was 'hilarious'. Dr K bought something to our attention that neither I or Rob had even thought of. He was concerned about my previous surgery. In 2008 I had abdominal surgery that involved a lot of moving, cutting, pulling out and putting back together of all my abdominal organs. He talked to my surgeon and sent me for a hysterosalpingogram or HSG scan. 

I was told it was an X-ray and went in thinking I was getting a simple X-ray of my abdo done. Nope, wrong, completely way off. Sitting in a tiny cubicle naked with a tiny sheet wrapped around me I lost it. Reading through the paperwork and having to sign saying I agreed to a procedure I had no clue about pushed me over the edge. A beautiful nurse sat me down and went through the whole thing with me and got Rob to come give me a cuddle. When I was ready to go in poor Rob wouldn't leave me, but after a reassuring smile and a push from the nurse he reluctantly went back to the waiting room. 

When going for a HSG scan or a simple X-ray as I was told you are not alone. You have a surgeon, 2 nurses and a radiologist all there with you looking after your vagina, cervix and uterus. They've got it covered. During the scan the surgeon will insert a speculum and then a cannula. Dye is flushed through the cannula into your cervix and out through your Fallopian tubes. It didn't hurt at all. I was in no pain or discomfort. They kept asking me every 10 seconds if I was ok but I was totally fine. The aim of the scan is for the dye to go through the Fallopian tubes so they can take an X-ray. If there is a blockage the dye will stop or thin out and they can take an X-ray of this. While laying there naked with a stranger all up in my business and 3 ladies watching on I watched the screen as he inserted the dye and every hope of conceiving our baby naturally slowly faded away. The dye went no where. He inserted the balloon, pumped and tried to force the dye but it went no where. They took photos and all left me lying there to go to the room to have a closer look. They were quiet. They didn't need to be gentle with me I knew what was going on and I could take it. They came back and tried the procedure again. Balloon pumped, cannula filled and nope...nothing. That dye was going no where. 

2 years of hope, 2 years of waiting, 2 years of wondering.
We finally had our answers.
Ironically enough, the plumbers wife does have a problem with her plumbing.

Peace Love and Hope

x S.K.K x