~ This was written in the first week of January. I was weak, confused, hurt and let down by my body. I'm getting through it. Day by day. Learning to accept it and accepting that I am doing the best i can and that is ok. I am giving my everything for our baby but it's still hard and my feelings are still real ~
I'm not suppose to say these words. I'm not suppose to write this down. I have been blessed with an amazing gift and it should be the happiest time of my life. I dreamed of this moment my entire life...and I mean entire life. We waited 2 and a half years and fought to the death for this to happen. Women who have gone through infertility aren't suppose to feel like this and women who have gone through IVF surely aren't suppose to be feeling like this. But I am and it's hard.
I need to write this now, before the feeling goes away. I need to show every path that my journey is taking me. I know it will pass soon...because I'm a strong stubborn shit like that, but right now I'm in a darkness that I can not get out of. I pray every night it will pass and that in the morning I will wake up happy and strong and empowered just like I used to be. As soon as I wake however, it all hits me and I return to the flames that burned me the day before.
I know women go through this every single day. Women experience it absolutely 10 times worse then this. I am not those women. I don't get sick. My body doesn't get weak. I placed so much faith and confidence in myself in the years leading up to my pregnancy that I thought I would be able to handle anything this baby threw at me. As soon as the pregnancy sickness came my world got turned upside down.
When you spend 2 years of your life perfecting every aspect of your being you create a strong and powerful willpower. Nothing could stop me and nothing would effect me. I knew I had no control over anything and I let my faith and optimism guide me through life. I was happy. I was free. I was confident. I was positive. Even through our infertility struggle and our IVF journey I remained this person and was proud of how I dealt with it all.
This all fell apart during my 5th week of pregnancy.
All that is happening to me is that I am sick. Just your normal text book pregnancy sickness. I don't know why they call it morning sickness because it lasts all day and all night long. For the first time, in a very long time, I am completely out of control of my body. My mind can not fix this. I have a beautiful angel growing inside of me and it is stripping me of every last bit of nutrients, strength and balance I have. I know why it is happening. I know it's for the best. I know it means I have a strong healthy baby but seriously haven't I gone through enough? I put in the fight already. I worked hard and now I finally got my wish and my dream has come true and I am absolutely despising it.
No one can really understand. I've tried to tell those closest to me that I am not handling it. That my body has been shaken and my spirit is struggling. No one understands. To them its just pregnancy sickness and I just need to move on and deal with it. I do. I deal with it every day. I still work my ass off every day but it doesn't mean I don't battle with myself every single minute. I have lost faith in myself. I have lost faith in my body and most of all I have lost faith in my mind. If I can not handle something as simple as this 'morning sickness' and early pregnancy, how will I be throughout the rest of the pregnancy and let's not even touch on the labour story. It is just morning sickness to every one else but to me it's an internal battle and at the moment I can't handle it and my body and mind are letting me down. I spent years falling in love with the person I am and was proud of how strong my body was. When something compromises this strength you lose control and get shaken to the core. It truly took me by surprise and its taking everything I have to fight back.
I cry most nights because I've let myself down. I should be fine with this but I'm not. I should be able to suck it up, force some food down for the sake of my baby and deal with it. That's what everyone tells me. But no one understands the heartache behind it all. Maybe the hurt, frustration and anger of the last 2 years is finally hitting me. Maybe I have let my guard down for a split second and my whole battle is being laid down on the table for me to deal with. Why now? It's done now. Ive got what I wanted. Why the hurt, anger and disbelief in myself.
It is a silent internal battle that I deal with every day but on the surface I try to be strong and I am trying to get through these first few months with a smile on my face. For 3 days all of my sickness went away and we feared we were losing our miracle. I would never trade this sickness for the world. I know that it is the best possible state to be in. I know my baby is thriving and it is all because of me. Deep down I know this. I just seriously wish my mind would handle it better. I wish I could be strong and not hate myself for being so weak. In time, I will realise my strength and this hatred will turn back into self love, but right now it's hard.
I have lost some friends because of my silence, because they don't understand, because they haven't taken the time to really listen to me. I can't control this and I can't change how I deal with this. I can't put effort into anything right now because all of my attention and strength is being put into waking up in the morning and pretending everything is ok. I'm sure my family is sick of my whinging, but I whinge to ensure I don't cry out loud.
I know you won't understand. I'm not asking you to understand. I'm just making you aware.
This isn't who I am and I hate it but I pray it will soon pass.
I know it will, becasue as I said before...I am a strong stubborn shit like that.
x S.K.K x