Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Years of Planning

Dear Baby K,

I have been dreaming of you my whole life. When your daddy and I decided to start trying for you my whole world changed and the excitement was so overwhelming. I began dreaming, envisioning and planning your world. I would dream about what it would be like to have you start growing inside my belly. I would envision standing in the sunset, just you and I, getting our photo taken so we can look back at this special time together. I would dream about rocking in my rocking chair feeding you to sleep. I would think about books that I would read to you each night before bed. I would dream about what I would eat, how I would move my body and what I would put on my skin to ensure you were always safe and healthy and me, your mumma, would be safe and healthy. Would we have a girl first or would we have a boy first. Would I be a mumma to a surfer, skater or bush boy? Would I be a Mumma to a ballet dancing, sport playing or surfer girl?

We started planning what colours we would have in your nursery. We researched what cot you would sleep in at night and what colour your little suit would be when we brought you home from hospital. I worried night after night about how to introduce you to all our feathered and furry babies and whether they would love you just as much as your daddy and I do. I got excited about being pregnant and dressing my body as I prepare to be a Mumma. I searched and searched all over the internet for a gorgeous baby bag that I would carry all of your things when we visit family and go out for the day. I started buying books to go in my bookcase so the day I found out you were joining our family I could start reading and learning and preparing for this life changing journey.

As your mummy I would dream every night of holding you in my arms and kissing your little face. I would dream of making your lunches and dropping you off at school. I would dream of holidays on the beach and camping in the bush. Your daddy and I talked about what you would look like. Whether you would have our blue eyes and blonde hair? We ALWAYS talked about names. Your first name and your middle names and we have a list of our favourites. We can't wait until you are here so we can so your eyes and your nose and your smile and choose the perfect name for you our gorgeous angel.

2 years have come and gone since we decided to bring you into our family. One of the perks of trying for a baby for 2 years is the chance to plan. The chance to dream, the chance to wish, the chance for your mumma and daddy to be the best we can be for when you come to us. All of the above is our favourites. Our favourite themes, my favourite bags, our favourite clothes, our favourite colours and best of all our favourite names. Through our entire journey we've kept our eye on our dream and we have never ever, not for one single moment, given up on you. We plan every day and we dream every day just in case a miracle happens and we fall pregnant with you. We will continue to plan, research, and learn until the day you are born and for an entire lifetime after that. You bring so much excitement to your mumma and daddies lives and you are not even here yet. Every plan, love and 'favourite' will probably be thrown out the window when we see those special double lines but until then we will keep the fun, happiness and excitement in 'trying for a baby'. 

You are the sparkle in your daddies eyes and the wish in your mummas heart.
 We pray for you every day.

 Love Always,
Your Mumma x

Friday, September 20, 2013

Sarah's Heavy Heart

Let me read you a story. It is called "Sarah's Heavy Heart" by Peter Caravas

Sarah had a heavy heart.

She carried it wherever she went.
On the bus.

At school.
In the playground.

And while riding her bike.
Sleeping with a heavy heart was hard

and bedtime was impossible.
Sarah knew the heart would always be hers to carry.
She just wished it wasn't so heavy.

One morning at the bus stop, something floated by.

"What are you doing up there?" Sarah asked.
"My heart's not heavy enough," replied the boy.
Sarah followed him as he drifted through the air.
He floated past trees,

tall buildings,

and low-lying clouds.

The boy came to rest in a paddock on the edge of town.
Sarah helped him up. "Has this happened before?" she asked.
The boy nodded. "It's worse in windy weather," he said.
"My heart just gets carried away.
Sarah sighed. "My heart weighs me down."

They sat together in the paddock, watching and wondering.

Then without a word, Sarah pulled a ribbon from her hair.
The boy watched as Sarah took his heart and tied it to her own.
"What do you think?" she asked.
He answered with a smile.

And with hearts bound, Sarah and the boy started towards the town. 

I do have a heavy heart. I was taught by my parents to love hard, care, forgive always, fight for people, help others and do everything in my power to make those I love happy. This I will never change but it does take its toll and my heart is very heavy. It's filled with deep compassion and empathy for the sick, the elderly, the sad, the weak. I ache for those around me who are not in the same place I am. Happy.

 6 years ago a special man floated past and changed my life forever. He was crazy, irrational, he pushed boundaries and he lived hard with no regrets and no limits. Life was a game and he was in it to play every last second and every last inch. He lived life in the sky with a big beautiful heart.

I couldn't of written a more perfect story about our love and relationship if I tried. Somehow we found each other. Years and partners came and went and in a random moment we became 'us'. We are chalk and cheese, on paper we don't fit, we challenge each other every day and we battle, but we are us. We tied our hearts together and I have helped him be grounded more and he has taught me to spread my wings and fly. 

Over the years our 'heart roles' have changed. Sometimes he's had the heavy heart and I've given my all to take some of his weight away. Other times I need his guidance and his spirit to lift me up when my heart is too heavy to carry on.

Now we face a new challenge. A huge challenge. Our lives will be taken over and for the first time Rob and I will have to take a deep breath, close our eyes and jump. We can't plan, we can't predict and we have absolutely no control. Over this journey our roles will change. We will be heavy, we will be light and we will have to rely on each other to get us through.

I will keep this book in our lounge room. It will always be there. When I lose faith and when I lose sight. When we struggle with balance I will read this and know that all we have to do is tie our hearts together, look forward and never lose hope.

Peace, Love and Hope.

x S.K.K x