Thursday, February 18, 2016

Starting Again

I'm finding it very hard to start sharing again. It's been a long time since I have written publicly or shared photos publicly. 18 months to be exact. The minute I had my son I completely shut it down. I weaned myself off social media, I made my accounts private, I stopped posting on my Special Moments Facebook page and eventually stopped writing. I even went one step further and stopped posting photos on my private Facebook page and limited my photos on my Instagram page. I didn't want to share. Plain and simple. I finally had my son in my arms and I didn't want to share him. Instincts set in and this Mumma Bear became protective, for a few reasons. 

Social Media and blogging were a huge part of my life. A huge part. I loved sharing my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my adventures and my memories. If I saw a beautiful sunset, a pretty flower, a beautiful meal, I would snap that up and share it. I was motivated and inspired by beautiful things and I wanted to share this with the world. My life was online and I loved every minute of it. All of a sudden my eyes started to open to a few things that made me sad. I realised that because my life was online it meant that everyone in my life could just read and watch from a far. They didn't need to ask me about my day because they saw it right there on the internet. They didn't need to ask me how I am feeling because I wrote it all out in a blogpost for everyone to read. I guess you have to take the good with the bad but this started to niggle away at me. 

As soon as my son was born I knew this 'online world' had to stop. I wanted this to be a special time. I wanted to be in the moment and experience this amazing time through my eyes and not a camera. I wanted to spend my nights looking Into my sons eyes and not into a screen. I wanted the people in my life to make an effort with me and our beautiful new family and not just catch up on the internet by looking at my photos and reading my words. I still shared randomly and wrote a couple of blogposts in the beginning but it just didn't sit well with me and it slowly faded away. I knew that this was my time to live and not record. I would never ever get this time back and I didn't want to waste a second behind a screen or camera. My family knew the rules, much to their sadness, but I didn't want anyone posting about our boy online unless I had shared it first or I gave them permission. I wanted to celebrate all of our milestones and special moments in 'real life' before worrying about status' and picture sharing with the outside world. 

This was my time. I deserved every second with this precious little baby and I didn't want anyone else to get that privilege just by sitting back and watching a screen. Our son is special. Oh so very special. He deserves the entire world and more. I was protective of him and I wanted only people in his life who made the effort and would move mountains for him. Call me selfish, call me irrational but dam right I'm selfish and irrational because at the time I was in a bubble of pure bliss and I wanted to ensure my son was surrounded by people who genuinely loved and cared for him. 

It freaked me out that total strangers were watching every photo and my every move. The whole concept of social media just became weird for me. People posting their highlights while strangers watched, Weird. So I cut down my Instagram account from 1000 people to 100 people. I cut everyone out that wasn't an important part of my life. 

This got me through the first 18 months of motherhood. It was both good and bad. Good because I got the chance to be present with my son. He got to see my eyes and my face every day and not a camera. I'm not saying I didn't take photos because I sure did, but my phone and camera didn't live in my hand like it used to. I got to celebrate all the special moments with my little family and best friends and truly appreciate every second of these. Days or weeks later I would share with my friends and family on Facebook and Instagram but only once I had truly celebrated them. The bad side...I became lonely. Very very lonely. I truly found out who my real friends were and let me tell you I can't count them on one hand. I guess this isn't bad but a blessing in disguise. Some people just didn't care. I honestly don't think people realise, but reading about my life online and watching our journey unfold doesn't count as being a friend. I needed people to be present and to make an effort for me just like I had for them for years and years before having my son. When I realised it wasn't a two way street I had to let go. It was hard but I had to do it. I also realised that those 'strangers' that I deleted from my social media were actually more important to me than I thought. They had become my friends. Yes we connected over Instagram but those people truly loved, cared and supported me and my family. Even more than my 'real life' friends. Even typing this just seems weird to me but it's the honest truth. When I deleted these people I got message after message asking me if I was ok and if there was anything they could do. They genuinely cared. For this I apologise. 

In 2015 when my son was 6 months old I decided to start a photo journal. Starting on January 1st 2015 I used my Instagram account to document my sons first full year of life. I took 1 photo every single day, I wrote a memory or diary entry for that day and posted it online. I loved it. I loved every single minute. I will cherish that forever!  It ignited a tiny little fire inside of me and made me miss sharing my moments and thoughts publicly and on my blog. It has taken me a year but I think I'm ready. It still scares me to take the leap and start sharing again. I don't know why but I'll start slow. I need to write again. It's my therapy, my passion, my outlet and my one true love. 

To my readers, followers, FRIENDS I am sorry for not being present the last 18 months. My son was my number 1 and I think I needed the time to just 'BE' with him. I did a lot of soul searching, and I needed to rise, fall, fail and succeed and find my new place in my life. I'm here now, ready to share...slowly, but I'm ready to share. 

x S.K.K x

Friday, February 12, 2016

Mums The Word

For a very long time, my entire life actually, I dreamed of becoming a mother. Children were my one passion in life. They inspired me and brought me so much happiness. They taught me how to live, they helped shape my values and beliefs, they allowed me to see the true beauty of the world and made my world beautiful and special. I couldn't wait for the day that I would be blessed with my very own child. Unfortunately (fortunately) I was given a long journey to motherhood and in this time I had many dreams of my child and what our lives would be like. In my heart  I yearned for long nights of cuddles, days in the sunshine with my baby, years of love and laughter with my little mini me. In my head I channelled my longing, hopes and dreams of a baby to other aspects in my life. Without even knowing it my difficult infertility journey allowed me to achieve dreams that I never even knew I had. I created a life that was full of passion, drive, gratitude and unexplainable happiness. I was strong, powerful and completely in control. I was self aware, positive and found complete peace and acceptance for who I was and what I stood for. My focus was on myself and creating a peaceful, happy life for my family. 

Then I became a mother.

I can not even begin to explain to you how much this turned my world upside down. In one tiny moment, everything that I knew, everything that I dreamed about became an absolutely blur and this little boy in my arms changed my entire life. My whole being was shut down and the second he was placed in my arms my sole reason for living was for this baby. The passion, drive and control went out the window and I could only see him. I didn't matter anymore. My goals, my interests, my moments, they didn't matter because he was here and I wanted to devote every last second of my time and every inch of my life to him. He was so perfect. Breath taking-ly perfect! My dreams came true and I wanted to dedicate my whole life to him.

That's exactly what I did. I dedicated my full, entire and whole self to him. I put to the side friendships, loved ones, my health and in some ways my sanity for my son and I would never ever change a single thing. I have given up a lot in the last 18 months...a lot of my passions and interests just didn't feel important to me anymore. My son was my world and his calmness and happiness was my number one. I know a happy baby needs a happy mum but in my heart of hearts I knew I needed...and give him my full attention and dedication. When I look into his eyes and see his big beautiful smile, watch him run around with joy beaming from his face and hear the endless giggles from his belly I absolutely know that I have done the right thing.

Deep down, deep deep down, I know I miss those things that made Finally I am seeing a little bit of light in our tunnel and I see my son growing and flourishing and expanding his wings. I look at him and I know that he is becoming his own little being. He is not as reliant on me as he used to be and he is beautifully independent. I feel it is time to let go a little and take that little bit of me time and bring my past and my present together to form a beautiful new future for us all. I want to write, I want to lift weights, I want to create, I want to read, I want to connect, I want to practise yoga, I want to take baths, I want to inspire. Everything I used to do but with my son by my side. I want to record our special moments and rejoice in his beautiful life.

Its time for me to take a big deep breath, exhale and celebrate the amazing job I have done so far in raising my boy. Take another deep breath, exhale and begin a beautiful new journey of living my life to the absolute fullest as a wife, mother and 30 year old ME.

x S.K.K x