My Mother Heart

I have been a mother for 5 months now. I am the mother to the sweetest boy in the world. He has so much character and brings a smile to my face all day, every day. 

This boy captures the heart of every one he meets. 

Our boy, our son, our love bug. 

Motherhood has been an eventful roller coaster. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. This may come as a surprise to most, because of my highly respected career with children, however mothering is different. Completely different. I dreamed of becoming a mother. I knew exactly how I would be, how I would think, how I would love and how I would raise my children. It is nothing like how I care for other mothers children. For them I was their support...I loved their children with everything I had but I cared for them under their guidelines. Now it is different. Now it is me. After years of watching mothers from the sidelines and learning how I do and don't want to parent, it is now up to me. God has trusted me with the special job of raising the most precious soul.

For 5 months I have been challenged with an internal battle. A battle between my mother heart and my head. I am having a major issue with trust. I have been blessed with the most perfect child. So perfect I just can not even begin to explain. This scares me and for the first few months of his life I questioned myself. I have never questioned myself. I have a lot of confidence in myself as a person. I know what I want and how I want it and I never ever have had to ask for validation. Until I became a mother. The love for him overwhelmed me. My heart skips a beat and I lose my breath every time I think of him and my love for him. I prayed and wished and waited for so long and here he is...and he's perfect. Here I am with the most important person in the world who my heart longed for and I am instantly hit with nerves. A giant bundle of nerves. First time mothering nerves.

Here is my battle. My mother heart knows I can do this. I was born for this. Yet my head questions it all. 10 times over. Why do I question what I know? They say it's normal but for me questioning myself is not normal. I need to learn to trust myself as a mother. This has been my main focus over the past few months. Learning to trust myself. I have good days and bad days. I know I am a good mum...actually I am a brilliant mum. I need to let go of the doubt. I have a beautifully thriving young boy who every one adores so I have to be doing something right!

I am not your average mum. I don't fit into a stereotype group. I am not a modern mum. I want to mother how my grandmother, my own mother, the African mother, heck I even want to mother like the gorilla mothers. They didn't have books or internet or courses to teach them how to be a good mother. I don't want to read books, read articles or google. I want to take my time, follow my mother heart and parent my son the way I feel is right. Unfortunately the battle of my head comes into play and I feel this is frowned upon. In this day and age there is a lot of focus on 'learning to parent' by reading what other people have written. Why do we need to gain knowledge on how to raise our children by "experts"? How are these people experts on my child? Why can't we just watch our children grow and learn together? These are the questions I ask myself daily when I find myself doubting my decisions on how I want to raise my son. I want to speak to people, mothers, and learn from them. I want to parent with my friends and help each other and support each other. I want to mother my beautiful son the way I know how and by trusting that this is ok. Yes I will research, yes I will read, yes I will listen but in the end I need to make the decision for myself and our family and trust that it is ok to make these decisions without validation from a book or the latest research.

It has been hard for me to write and publish these first few months about my mothering, for fear of judgement. I haven't read the latest book or the newest findings, so the way I parent and make decisions may not be right for everyone and I feel I would be judged as a 'bad mother' for not doing my research. I had to pull my head in. I am this boys mother and I know in my core that I am the best person for this job. I also had to remind myself why I write and why I share my journey. I write for me, I write for my husband and now I will write for my son. As much as I love the people who share my journey, I am so very sorry to say, but I am not writing for you. I feel this is the best for me, and for you, as what you get is the raw and honest truth. I won't paint a picture for you to gain your attention. I simply write to remember. I write for my family so that we have our memories forever. I want to remember how we grew up together, how I navigated my way through parenting and all the special moments we share. You, my readers, are just a beautiful added bonus.

This is my story. The story of my life with my husband, our journey to becoming pregnant through IVF and the exciting new beginning of our new lives as parents to the most beautiful boy in the world. I will share our story with you. I am a mother and I am proud of how I have raised my son these past few months. I know the worrying will never go, the questioning will always be there, but in the end I know, deep down, that I must always and forever trust my mother heart.

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

Our Birth Story

I had the most beautiful birth. it was more than I ever could of imagined and more. Everyone I spoke to, doctors, midwives, family, all told me it was horrific and traumatic but I have nothing but beautiful sweet and powerful memories. Everything I wanted happened. It went smoothly and it was very empowering. It was the perfect ending to my pregnancy and the perfect beginning to our new life together.

After going into preterm labour, it was always in the back of my mind that I could go any day. However I felt that it wasn't my time at 32 weeks and even though my body was showing signs, I knew deep down I was going to make it to the end. I had just celebrated turning 38 weeks. A massive goal of ours. I knew I had done everything I could to keep our baby safe and keep him growing inside of me for as long as possible.

We had a massive weekend planned. 2 parties Saturday night and 2 parties on Sunday. I attended both parties on Saturday night but I was experiencing pain. Just dull period pain like before but it was coming around more often. Nothing to speak about and it didn't stop me from having fun but I felt 'different'. I slept through 1 of our parties on Sunday and woke at lunch time. I knew I should of stayed home but it was my beautiful nieces birthday and it meant a lot to me that I was there for her. Before we left I told Rob to put our hospital bag in the boot. I wasn't in pain but something was telling me that it had to be in there. We attended our darlings girls birthday and half way through I knew I was in labour. I could feel it happening. I was withdrawn and feeling exhausted yet inside I was quietly excited thinking holy crap this could be it. The party went all afternoon and we went straight to Mum and Dads for our weekly family dinner. 

As soon as we got there I acted like nothing was wrong but then randomly blurted out...think I'm in labour. Mum had cooked a beautiful roast but I couldn't eat it. All I could think was that if I was in labour and about to have my baby then I needed to carb load it up. Mum and Dad had pasta in the cupboard so I cooked it up and ate the entire packet with tomato sauce and herbs.....WHAT! Gross but I needed that carb fest as an hour later it all started.

8.00pm on the 20th of July 2014 I was lying on my parents couch and I felt a pull inside my belly. I pushed and water came. Did I pee? Did my water break? Everyone said it is like a pop but mine was definitely a pull. I went to the toilet and had a tiny show. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't in pain but I knew it was starting. As we had been on preterm labour watch all the way through until 38 weeks I wasn't sure whether to wait it out or call and go in. Because I was strep B positive I knew I didn't have time to play with so we called and they said to come in. So off we went. That was the last time I would be at home pregnant. This was it. It was all about to happen.

By the time we got to the hospital we still weren't sure what was happening. I was having random contractions. They felt like period pain...coming and going...but no real pattern or intensity. A few tests and obs and they decided to let me stay in the birthing suites and see how it all progressed over night. We had a beautiful midwife who looked after us. She talked and talked the entire time. At some points I just wanted to say 'please stop talking' but looking back it was seriously the best thing she could have done. My mind was at ease. I wasn't stressed or worried. The pain came and went and we all just sat around and talked. oh and ate. Did I mention that I had eaten an ENTIRE packet of pasta only 2 hours previously however there I was eating a 3 layer toasted ham and cheese sandwich. Carb loading it up baby. I was about to go through the biggest event in my life and I needed that energy. A few hours in it was very clear that my waters had broken and we were on our way. I couldn't believe it. I had done it. I had successfully gone into labour on my own. My waters had broken, at home, stress free and all on my own. I was pumped and ready. I wasn't scared. I was nervous but I wasn't worried at all. We tried to sleep but who the hell can sleep when you are about to meet your baby. Um not this gal. We literally stayed up all night. I laboured away just in bed and on my chair. Nothing major was happening so I handled it all pretty well.

The next morning we still hadn't progressed. My contractions were not in the time frame they were needing to be and I was already 12 hours into my labour after my waters had broken. We only had 12 more hours before risk came into play. My OB Dr A was due in at 8 and I was ready to let go and put it all in his hands. I had done my part. I had no other wishes. All I wanted to do was go into labour naturally, have my waters break on their own and feel the contractions. I had achieved my goal so I was happy. I trusted my doctor with my life, and clearly my babies life, so I was ready for him to take lead. He saw me at 9.00am and I was 4cm dilated. I was pretty happy that I had got to 4 throughout the night as we were questioning whether anything was happening. He wasn't happy with my progression however and wanted to get things moving. He recommended I start the drugs to help my contractions come closer together. Rob and I discussed. I knew that the minute we started the drugs the pain was going to go from 0-10 in no time and the pain would hit hard. Ultimately we trusted our doctor and went with his decision. I didn't want to take any risks, not now.

They started me on a small dose and the pain hit immediately. Holy crap balls. It was period pain but 1 millions times worse. I knew that I didn't want to be in bed laying down so I got straight on the fit ball and that is where I stayed. I laboured for 2 hours on my own with no medication. Through every contraction I sang "let it go" from the movie frozen (It seemed fitting) and I would focus on the laugh of a a gorgeous little boy I used to look after. I was trying to stay calm, breath through them and let my body do the work. It hurt though. Oh man it hurt and I turned quite primal moaning and breathing heavily through each contraction! They got more intense as they increased the drugs and it got a little overwhelming. I started to lose my focus. I was singing through every contraction but I could not pull my head together. I remember shouting the words to the American National Anthem (what the??) every time they came around and I was focusing on my finger nail (again...what the??) I knew I was losing it. I wasn't completely in desperate pain but my mind was playing around. I knew I had to make a decision on how I wanted my labour to go. Did I want to keep going and do anything I could to have this baby naturally but have no control or focus or get the epidural and have a peaceful pain free birth. I had 2 options, I talked it over with Rob, my midwives and even called my mum into the room to ask for her help. I knew I wanted to be calm. I most probably could have kept labouring on my own but it would have been hard and stressful and possibly not a good experience. It wasn't my goal to do it medication free. I wanted calm and peace. I made the decision and got the epidural.

I'm not going to lie. Getting the epidural was tough. Holy crap it hurt and it took a while to kick in. I was having the most painful contractions while it was kicking in and I was losing my mind. I was swearing at the anesthetist and asking why on earth it wasn't working (sorry doctor) He assured me it would work soon. That wait was excruciating. On top of the pain I could not relax because I was imagining the needle and the cord in my back and I felt that if I lay down on my back that it would touch it and hurt so I was stiff as a board and couldn't relax! Silly Me! Eventually it all kicked in and life was amazing hahah Seriously getting the epidural was the best decision I ever made. Completely no pain! Side note...how hilarious are your legs with the epi. Being completely numb was the craziest feeling I have ever experienced. I just kept laughing and they kept asking me to move but I literally couldn't. Best and weirdest feeling ever. Once everything had kicked in and I was completely pain free I fell asleep. 

I slept for 2 hours until my OB came in to check me. He saw me at 1.00pm and I was fully dilated and ready to go. I remember thinking holy crap what...now?? For some reason I don't think it actually kicked in that Baby was coming today. So it was on. 1.00pm and I was ready to push. Gahhhh I was so dam excited. I had worked so dam hard for this moment. 3 years of training and pushing my body to it's absolute limits was all for this moment. I was about to birth my baby.

OH MY GOSH. Pushing a baby is insane. It was so freaking awesome. I was all over it. Midwife on one leg, Rob on the other and I was just pushing my brains out...literally I thought I was pushing my brains out. Man you need some stamina for that. Kudos to Mummas who do it for hours and drug free. I pushed for an hour. He wasn't budging. He was posterior and face first. Cheeky baby was looking where he was going. Dr A wanted to pull with the vacuum. I agreed with no hesitation. I was on a high. Do whatever you need to for baby's safety. I was living the dream. I was here pushing my baby. I had waited a lifetime for this. I didn't care what happened. I just wanted to meet him. Dr tried for 3 contractions, 12 pushes but nothing. Baby was getting distressed and he was not fitting through my pelvis. By 2.00pm he called it. He wanted to do a c-section. Let's do this. I was ready. Maybe I knew all along I was going to have a c-section and that is why I opted for the epi so early.? Who knows? Rob was 'scrubbed up' and we were off to theater.

Later I found out that Rob had gone into the waiting room and cried with my Mum and Sister. He was overwhelmed and emotional for me. He was scared that we had to go in for a c-section. I look back with sadness thinking I wish I could of held him and consoled him. I will never know what it is like to be on the other side. Watching the one you love in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it. He seriously rocked during our birth. No words can describe what an amazing support he was through the whole process. I guess it all got a little too much and he had to have his moment. But he regrouped and was back by my side. He did a dam good job at hiding his fears because I had no idea this was going on!

As soon as I was on the operating table I was sick. Literally throwing up for minutes and minutes. Once again horrible at the time but hey at least it took my mind off what was actually happening. By the time I stopped they had hooked me up and were ready to go. Rob was there by my side and we were ready to meet our baby. Once they were in that's when it all started to go a little down hill. Baby was stuck...really stuck. They couldn't get him out. They told me to hold tight and that I would feel some pulling. Holy Moly I felt like they were attacking me. They were pushing right up on my chest and 3 of them were pushing on me to try get him out. One lady was up on the table body slamming down on me with full force. I remember just looking at Rob and saying...shit I'm going to be sore tomorrow. A massive push and a shove and he was here! 

My doctor held him up for me to see him and my heart skipped a beat. ROB! Literally he looked exactly like his daddy. Bright orange curly hair under the bright lights and his gorgeous little button nose. OMG we had done it. Our baby was here. Rob and I just cried together. He was perfect and he was here. They took him away and he wasn't breathing properly but as quickly as they took him he was straight back into my arms. I had my baby in my arms and my husband by my side. Life was perfect. We had done it. We were parents to our son.

Our beautiful boy still wasn't breathing properly so he had to be taken to special care straight away. Rob went with him and I felt calm as I knew Daddy would be by his side. I was taken into recovery and I knew that soon we would be reunited again. Recovery took FOREVER. I started to really panic and get anxious. I wasn't passing the 'ice test' but I really really needed to be with my boy. I started getting upset and kept saying I've waited so long for my son and now you are making me wait longer. I knew Rob was with him but I also knew my Mum and Sister were waiting to meet him and I didn't want them meeting him without me there. I wanted to show them! I wanted to introduce my son to my mum and sister and I thought I wouldn't get this chance so I panicked. I finally convinced the nurse to let me go and they took me up to my room.

Once settled there was a knock on the door and a midwife walked in and said "I have somebody who wants his Mumma" That was me. Mumma. My new name. My calling. For so long I waited and waited and I was finally someones Mumma. In walked my amazing husband.  He had the biggest smile I have ever seen and he was wheeling our son. They passed him to me and I just held him close and cried. My husband cuddled and kissed me and I knew life was complete. 

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x