Thursday, February 18, 2016

Starting Again

I'm finding it very hard to start sharing again. It's been a long time since I have written publicly or shared photos publicly. 18 months to be exact. The minute I had my son I completely shut it down. I weaned myself off social media, I made my accounts private, I stopped posting on my Special Moments Facebook page and eventually stopped writing. I even went one step further and stopped posting photos on my private Facebook page and limited my photos on my Instagram page. I didn't want to share. Plain and simple. I finally had my son in my arms and I didn't want to share him. Instincts set in and this Mumma Bear became protective, for a few reasons. 

Social Media and blogging were a huge part of my life. A huge part. I loved sharing my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my adventures and my memories. If I saw a beautiful sunset, a pretty flower, a beautiful meal, I would snap that up and share it. I was motivated and inspired by beautiful things and I wanted to share this with the world. My life was online and I loved every minute of it. All of a sudden my eyes started to open to a few things that made me sad. I realised that because my life was online it meant that everyone in my life could just read and watch from a far. They didn't need to ask me about my day because they saw it right there on the internet. They didn't need to ask me how I am feeling because I wrote it all out in a blogpost for everyone to read. I guess you have to take the good with the bad but this started to niggle away at me. 

As soon as my son was born I knew this 'online world' had to stop. I wanted this to be a special time. I wanted to be in the moment and experience this amazing time through my eyes and not a camera. I wanted to spend my nights looking Into my sons eyes and not into a screen. I wanted the people in my life to make an effort with me and our beautiful new family and not just catch up on the internet by looking at my photos and reading my words. I still shared randomly and wrote a couple of blogposts in the beginning but it just didn't sit well with me and it slowly faded away. I knew that this was my time to live and not record. I would never ever get this time back and I didn't want to waste a second behind a screen or camera. My family knew the rules, much to their sadness, but I didn't want anyone posting about our boy online unless I had shared it first or I gave them permission. I wanted to celebrate all of our milestones and special moments in 'real life' before worrying about status' and picture sharing with the outside world. 

This was my time. I deserved every second with this precious little baby and I didn't want anyone else to get that privilege just by sitting back and watching a screen. Our son is special. Oh so very special. He deserves the entire world and more. I was protective of him and I wanted only people in his life who made the effort and would move mountains for him. Call me selfish, call me irrational but dam right I'm selfish and irrational because at the time I was in a bubble of pure bliss and I wanted to ensure my son was surrounded by people who genuinely loved and cared for him. 

It freaked me out that total strangers were watching every photo and my every move. The whole concept of social media just became weird for me. People posting their highlights while strangers watched, Weird. So I cut down my Instagram account from 1000 people to 100 people. I cut everyone out that wasn't an important part of my life. 

This got me through the first 18 months of motherhood. It was both good and bad. Good because I got the chance to be present with my son. He got to see my eyes and my face every day and not a camera. I'm not saying I didn't take photos because I sure did, but my phone and camera didn't live in my hand like it used to. I got to celebrate all the special moments with my little family and best friends and truly appreciate every second of these. Days or weeks later I would share with my friends and family on Facebook and Instagram but only once I had truly celebrated them. The bad side...I became lonely. Very very lonely. I truly found out who my real friends were and let me tell you I can't count them on one hand. I guess this isn't bad but a blessing in disguise. Some people just didn't care. I honestly don't think people realise, but reading about my life online and watching our journey unfold doesn't count as being a friend. I needed people to be present and to make an effort for me just like I had for them for years and years before having my son. When I realised it wasn't a two way street I had to let go. It was hard but I had to do it. I also realised that those 'strangers' that I deleted from my social media were actually more important to me than I thought. They had become my friends. Yes we connected over Instagram but those people truly loved, cared and supported me and my family. Even more than my 'real life' friends. Even typing this just seems weird to me but it's the honest truth. When I deleted these people I got message after message asking me if I was ok and if there was anything they could do. They genuinely cared. For this I apologise. 

In 2015 when my son was 6 months old I decided to start a photo journal. Starting on January 1st 2015 I used my Instagram account to document my sons first full year of life. I took 1 photo every single day, I wrote a memory or diary entry for that day and posted it online. I loved it. I loved every single minute. I will cherish that forever!  It ignited a tiny little fire inside of me and made me miss sharing my moments and thoughts publicly and on my blog. It has taken me a year but I think I'm ready. It still scares me to take the leap and start sharing again. I don't know why but I'll start slow. I need to write again. It's my therapy, my passion, my outlet and my one true love. 

To my readers, followers, FRIENDS I am sorry for not being present the last 18 months. My son was my number 1 and I think I needed the time to just 'BE' with him. I did a lot of soul searching, and I needed to rise, fall, fail and succeed and find my new place in my life. I'm here now, ready to share...slowly, but I'm ready to share. 

x S.K.K x


Claire @ Mum's Closet said...

All so beautifully said.
Becoming a mother definitely changes us. And it sure does show us who are our friends and supporters, and who is not.
Social Media is such a funny thing isn't it. We all use it so differently, and what works for one Mum is completely different to what works for another. I go through phases of love and hate with SM, and regularly question myself and my role online.
With that said - it is great to see you back online a little more. Mr H is so damn cute and special and loved - and you will inspire others by sharing your life.
Just do whatever is comfortable for you.

Janet Camilleri said...

I love this: reading about my life online and watching our journey unfold doesn't count as being a friend. So very true x

Lyndall @SeizeTheDayProject said...

Yes, I hear you S.K.K. It concerns me that strangers watch us on social media and on our blogs. I try to minimise posting photos of my kids - besides, they are teenagers now and they don't like it :-) You have to do what's right for you, and if that means taking a break for a while, you have to do it. I'm actually pleased I was able to parent my children as pre-schoolers without exposure to social media - for me or them!

EssentiallyJess said...

I think that's a great reason to stop for a bit. You only get that time once, so you should enjoy it and social media can reduce our ability to do so.
Lovely to see you 'back' again now though. :)

x S.K.K x said...

That's so true Claire! It's so hard to navigate sometimes but I'm really happy to be back!!

x S.K.K x said...

Thank You Janet! Yes I think effort needs to be made both on and off the screen!! :-)

x S.K.K x said...

Oh Lyndall I really really wish I could have been a parent pre Internet! I am grateful for these opportunities but sometimes I just wish I could log off forever!

x S.K.K x said...

Yes that's right! I'm glad I took that time but it feels good to be back! Looking forward to connecting again!!

Emily Tee said...

I was one of those "stalkers" on your page who you deleted. There were no hard feelings. Just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed looking at your images and to read and see the love you have for your son. It was quite inspirational.
Wishing you all the very best