Tuesday, January 28, 2014

My Internal Battle

 ~ This was written in the first week of January. I was weak, confused, hurt and let down by my body. I'm getting through it. Day by day. Learning to accept it and accepting that I am doing the best i can and that is ok. I am giving my everything for our baby but it's still hard and my feelings are still real ~

I'm not suppose to say these words. I'm not suppose to write this down. I have been blessed with an amazing gift and it should be the happiest time of my life. I dreamed of this moment my entire life...and I mean entire life. We waited 2 and a half years and fought to the death for this to happen. Women who have gone through infertility aren't suppose to feel like this and women who have gone through IVF surely aren't suppose to be feeling like this. But I am and it's hard.

I need to write this now, before the feeling goes away. I need to show every path that my journey is taking me. I know it will pass soon...because I'm a strong stubborn shit like that, but right now I'm in a darkness that I can not get out of. I pray every night it will pass and that in the morning I will wake up happy and strong and empowered just like I used to be. As soon as I wake however, it all hits me and I return to the flames that burned me the day before.

I know women go through this every single day. Women experience it absolutely 10 times worse then this. I am not those women. I don't get sick. My body doesn't get weak. I placed so much faith and confidence in myself in the years leading up to my pregnancy that I thought I would be able to handle anything this baby threw at me. As soon as the pregnancy sickness came my world got turned upside down.

When you spend 2 years of your life perfecting every aspect of your being you create a strong and powerful willpower. Nothing could stop me and nothing would effect me. I knew I had no control over anything and I let my faith and optimism guide me through life. I was happy. I was free. I was confident. I was positive. Even through our infertility struggle and our IVF journey I remained this person and was proud of how I dealt with it all.

This all fell apart during my 5th week of pregnancy. 

All that is happening to me is that I am sick. Just your normal text book pregnancy sickness. I don't know why they call it morning sickness because it lasts all day and all night long. For the first time, in a very long time, I am completely out of control of my body. My mind can not fix this. I have a beautiful angel growing inside of me and it is stripping me of every last bit of nutrients, strength and balance I have. I know why it is happening. I know it's for the best. I know it means I have a strong healthy baby but seriously haven't I gone through enough? I put in the fight already. I worked hard and now I finally got my wish and my dream has come true and I am absolutely despising it.

No one can really understand. I've tried to tell those closest to me that I am not handling it. That my body has been shaken and my spirit is struggling. No one understands. To them its just pregnancy sickness and I just need to move on and deal with it. I do. I deal with it every day. I still work my ass off every day but it doesn't mean I don't battle with myself every single minute. I have lost faith in myself. I have lost faith in my body and most of all I have lost faith in my mind. If I can not handle something as simple as this 'morning sickness' and early pregnancy, how will I be throughout the rest of the pregnancy and let's not even touch on the labour story. It is just morning sickness to every one else but to me it's an internal battle and at the moment I can't handle it and my body and mind are letting me down. I spent years falling in love with the person I am and was proud of how strong my body was. When something compromises this strength you lose control and get shaken to the core. It truly took me by surprise and its taking everything I have to fight back.

I cry most nights because I've let myself down. I should be fine with this but I'm not. I should be able to suck it up, force some food down for the sake of my baby and deal with it. That's what everyone tells me. But no one understands the heartache behind it all. Maybe the hurt, frustration and anger of the last 2 years is finally hitting me. Maybe I have let my guard down for a split second and my whole battle is being laid down on the table for me to deal with. Why now? It's done now. Ive got what I wanted. Why the hurt, anger and disbelief in myself.

It is a silent internal battle that I deal with every day but on the surface I try to be strong and I am trying to get through these first few months with a smile on my face. For 3 days all of my sickness went away and we feared we were losing our miracle. I would never trade this sickness for the world. I know that it is the best possible state to be in. I know my baby is thriving and it is all because of me. Deep down I know this. I just seriously wish my mind would handle it better. I wish I could be strong and not hate myself for being so weak. In time, I will realise my strength and this hatred will turn back into self love, but right now it's hard.

I have lost some friends because of my silence, because they don't understand, because they haven't taken the time to really listen to me. I can't control this and I can't change how I deal with this. I can't put effort into anything right now because all of my attention and strength is being put into waking up in the morning and pretending everything is ok. I'm sure my family is sick of my whinging, but I whinge to ensure I don't cry out loud.

I know you won't understand. I'm not asking you to understand. I'm just making you aware.

This isn't who I am and I hate it but I pray it will soon pass. 
I know it will, becasue as I said before...I am a strong stubborn shit like that. 

x S.K.K x


Bec @ The Plumbette said...

Gorgeous Sarah. I can't imagine the journey you have been on to get your miracle. And to finally receive it and feel so low is like a slap in the face. But can I tell you that I kind of understand how you feel and I'm not Belittling how you feel in anyway. But when I was pregnant with my second baby I felt the same emotions and was quite sick. I was depressed and nothing I could do could get my mind out of the funk I founds self in. I got prayer to breakthrough what I was feeling and it instantly went. Later as I started to read some pregnancy books, depression is common through pregnancy especially through the early months. I would talk to your GP or Ob about what's been going on.

Renee Wilson said...

Ahh love! I am sending massive hugs to you right now. As Bec said, I can sympathise with how you feel. I had the all day and all night sickness. It is exhausting and all you feel like doing is lying in the bottom of the shower crying. I know how hard it is to eat when you know it's only going to come back. Hang in tight there babe because it will get better. After 12 weeks if you are still sick you can have maxolon tablets to help. I would definitely talk to your Ob too. These feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. Don't worry about your friends either. Just focus on you and the baby. That's all that counts right now. Good luck.

Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me said...

You know what, I reckon you should feel how you feel and stuff everyone else, if you've lost friends, let me tell you know, they were NOT real friends, and once this beautiful baby comes in to the world won't be the support you need. As the moaning we ALL do when we're battling sickness is nothing compared to the moaning we ALL do when we're tired, have sore boobs, can't settle our baby. Sorry you're so sick, that does suck but don't ever feel bad for hating it, it sucks eggs! Emily :)

SheridanR said...

Glad you added the part at the top and are accepting all these feelings you are struggling with. I have never had pregnancy struggles really so i can't relate but i am just an overbearing shit whenever I am sick normally!!!
Hope the sickness eases up xox

EssentiallyJess said...

"Morning' sickness is awful. In and of itself, with no other issues, it sucks big harry balls. No one copes well with spending the better part of 7-8 weeks wanting to hurl, no matter how happy you are. Even trying to work out what you want to eat is exhausting.
And, sadly, the truth is that our body's and our minds can and will let us down. But God never, ever does. Not once. He is always there, through it all, and this is His miracle baby just as much as it is yours.
Praying for you sweetheart. xxx

Jodi Gibson said...

I loathed being pregnant but only my closest friend knew. It wasn't that I was sick a lot, actually it wasn't too bad in that respect, but I just hated the changes to my body and the feeling of being taken over by an alien! Of course when the little miss's came along it was all worth it. The hardest thing I find with motherhood and pregnancy is being honest. Noone wants to hear how bad you feel, how hard it is, they only want to know the good stuff. But life isn't all Pinterest Perfect! Anyway, I do hope the sickness eases for you though. xx

Shari Wakefield said...

Morning sickness is the worst - I remember lying on the floor of the bathroom and being unable to move and family members being angry at me as I wasn't helping them move. No one knows you, no one knows your body, no one can tell you how you feel. Pregnancy and all it's emotions is a roller coaster and I'm sure in the end you'll look back on it fondly. #weekendreview

Kylie Purtell said...

Sarah there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like that. In fact I think it's absolutely normal! I pride myself on my strong mind and being able to lift myself up and out of the deepest lows but pregnancy does funny things to the body and mind and there is no fighting it. It's good that you are writing it all down because you will look back and see the building blocks of a new kind of strength, the strength that will get you through the tough days of motherhood. I think part of the horribleness of pregnancy is to prepare us for the harder parts of motherhood. I know hearing this doesn't help now, and it feels like it will never end, and you will be sick forever but you will get through it. Don't worry about anyone else, what they think or say, just focus on you. I barely spoke to anyone in the early months of my first pregnancy, I had to just concentrate on myself and the tiny baby that was growing inside and if people can't understand that or have a problem with it it's their problem, not yours!
Big hugs to you. xxx

Annaleis Topham said...

Remember its ok to ask for help and even if its 'normal' morning sickness it can be horrible. Take some time out when you need and its ok to ask your doctor for help if you think you need it. Will be thinking of you growing that precious baby.

Bron Maxabella said...

You darling woman, I am so glad I read this with your 'disclaimer' at the top because otherwise I would have been distraught for you!!! Remember that just because you fought so hard and wished so long with the strength of the GODS, you're still 100% human. How you feel is how you feel, despite what you think you SHOULD be feeling. It is what it is and pregnancy is no walk in the park for so many of us. Never feel guilty for just being who you are and never feel silenced because you think people won't understand. Even if they don't (and they will), they will always be able to provide empathy and comfort. Two things you need lots of right now, dear Sarah.
Be as gentle with yourself as you are with your baby. x

Amanda said...

Visiting from Bron's...
venting is good and sharing your feelings is too. I have been through the IVF path twice and I know what you mean about feeling like you should be grateful for just getting to that point and not complaining about anything else from that point onwards. However, you cannot control how your body deals with pregnancy and all the related discomfort. I can't imagine how horrible morning sickness all day must be... that first trimester is just such an exhausting period without the sickeness!! Hang in there, things will be sure to improve xx

Elisa {With Grace and Eve} said...

Hi Sarah, Found you via Maxabella's! I hear you. My first pregnancy I was so incredibly sick that I lost weight, and I was so upset at myself because I had worked so hard to get myself to my highest state of health prior to falling pregnant. The second pregnancy - not a single day of morning sickness! I'm not sure if it helps, but as you said, know you will return to your strong self, and know that letting yourself feel and write out all those emotions is strong, courageous, brave and amazing in my book xx