Sunday, January 11, 2015

My Mother Heart

I have been a mother for 5 months now. I am the mother to the sweetest boy in the world. He has so much character and brings a smile to my face all day, every day. 
This boy captures the heart of every one he meets. 
Our boy, our son, our love bug. 

Motherhood has been an eventful roller coaster. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. This may come as a surprise to most, because of my highly respected career with children, however mothering is different. Completely different. I dreamed of becoming a mother. I knew exactly how I would be, how I would think, how I would love and how I would raise my children. It is nothing like how I care for other mothers children. For them I was their support...I loved their children with everything I had but I cared for them under their guidelines. Now it is different. Now it is me. After years of watching mothers from the sidelines and learning how I do and don't want to parent, it is now up to me. God has trusted me with the special job of raising the most precious soul.

For 5 months I have been challenged with an internal battle. A battle between my mother heart and my head. I am having a major issue with trust. I have been blessed with the most perfect child. So perfect I just can not even begin to explain. This scares me and for the first few months of his life I questioned myself. I have never questioned myself. I have a lot of confidence in myself as a person. I know what I want and how I want it and I never ever have had to ask for validation. Until I became a mother. The love for him overwhelmed me. My heart skips a beat and I lose my breath every time I think of him and my love for him. I prayed and wished and waited for so long and here he is...and he's perfect. Here I am with the most important person in the world who my heart longed for and I am instantly hit with nerves. A giant bundle of nerves. First time mothering nerves.

Here is my battle. My mother heart knows I can do this. I was born for this. Yet my head questions it all. 10 times over. Why do I question what I know? They say it's normal but for me questioning myself is not normal. I need to learn to trust myself as a mother. This has been my main focus over the past few months. Learning to trust myself. I have good days and bad days. I know I am a good mum...actually I am a brilliant mum. I need to let go of the doubt. I have a beautifully thriving young boy who every one adores so I have to be doing something right!

I am not your average mum. I don't fit into a stereotype group. I am not a modern mum. I want to mother how my grandmother, my own mother, the African mother, heck I even want to mother like the gorilla mothers. They didn't have books or internet or courses to teach them how to be a good mother. I don't want to read books, read articles or google. I want to take my time, follow my mother heart and parent my son the way I feel is right. Unfortunately the battle of my head comes into play and I feel this is frowned upon. In this day and age there is a lot of focus on 'learning to parent' by reading what other people have written. Why do we need to gain knowledge on how to raise our children by "experts"? How are these people experts on my child? Why can't we just watch our children grow and learn together? These are the questions I ask myself daily when I find myself doubting my decisions on how I want to raise my son. I want to speak to people, mothers, and learn from them. I want to parent with my friends and help each other and support each other. I want to mother my beautiful son the way I know how and by trusting that this is ok. Yes I will research, yes I will read, yes I will listen but in the end I need to make the decision for myself and our family and trust that it is ok to make these decisions without validation from a book or the latest research.

It has been hard for me to write and publish these first few months about my mothering, for fear of judgement. I haven't read the latest book or the newest findings, so the way I parent and make decisions may not be right for everyone and I feel I would be judged as a 'bad mother' for not doing my research. I had to pull my head in. I am this boys mother and I know in my core that I am the best person for this job. I also had to remind myself why I write and why I share my journey. I write for me, I write for my husband and now I will write for my son. As much as I love the people who share my journey, I am so very sorry to say, but I am not writing for you. I feel this is the best for me, and for you, as what you get is the raw and honest truth. I won't paint a picture for you to gain your attention. I simply write to remember. I write for my family so that we have our memories forever. I want to remember how we grew up together, how I navigated my way through parenting and all the special moments we share. You, my readers, are just a beautiful added bonus.

This is my story. The story of my life with my husband, our journey to becoming pregnant through IVF and the exciting new beginning of our new lives as parents to the most beautiful boy in the world. I will share our story with you. I am a mother and I am proud of how I have raised my son these past few months. I know the worrying will never go, the questioning will always be there, but in the end I know, deep down, that I must always and forever trust my mother heart.

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x


Belinda Scott said...

Love it!
So honest.
And never doubt yourself, you in your own soul knows what is the very best for that darling son of yours, only you knows what is best for him!
Keep doing what you are doing, because you are rocking this!

Kristen Stevens said...

Such a great article! As a mother of two I can understand feelings of self doubt but in my opinion it has a lot to do with society's view of the perfect way to do things. There is no perfect way and a mothers instincts are very strong - we need to trust them more often.

Lizzie Lau said...

I loved reading this. You should never worry about being judged. Babies don't come with a manual or a set of instructions. The fact is, we are always going to be our own toughest critic. I also loved reading your birth story. You were so positive through it all. I had a terrific experience and I think it was because I had an attitude similar to yours. I had an idea in my head of how I hoped it would go, but I was ready to roll with the cards I was dealt.