For a very long time, my entire life actually, I dreamed of becoming a mother. Children were my one passion in life. They inspired me and brought me so much happiness. They taught me how to live, they helped shape my values and beliefs, they allowed me to see the true beauty of the world and made my world beautiful and special. I couldn't wait for the day that I would be blessed with my very own child. Unfortunately (fortunately) I was given a long journey to motherhood and in this time I had many dreams of my child and what our lives would be like. In my heart I yearned for long nights of cuddles, days in the sunshine with my baby, years of love and laughter with my little mini me. In my head I channelled my longing, hopes and dreams of a baby to other aspects in my life. Without even knowing it my difficult infertility journey allowed me to achieve dreams that I never even knew I had. I created a life that was full of passion, drive, gratitude and unexplainable happiness. I was strong, powerful and completely in control. I was self aware, positive and found complete peace and acceptance for who I was and what I stood for. My focus was on myself and creating a peaceful, happy life for my family.
Then I became a mother.
I can not even begin to explain to you how much this turned my world upside down. In one tiny moment, everything that I knew, everything that I dreamed about became an absolutely blur and this little boy in my arms changed my entire life. My whole being was shut down and the second he was placed in my arms my sole reason for living was for this baby. The passion, drive and control went out the window and I could only see him. I didn't matter anymore. My goals, my interests, my moments, they didn't matter because he was here and I wanted to devote every last second of my time and every inch of my life to him. He was so perfect. Breath taking-ly perfect! My dreams came true and I wanted to dedicate my whole life to him.
That's exactly what I did. I dedicated my full, entire and whole self to him. I put to the side friendships, loved ones, my health and in some ways my sanity for my son and I would never ever change a single thing. I have given up a lot in the last 18 months...a lot of my passions and interests just didn't feel important to me anymore. My son was my world and his calmness and happiness was my number one. I know a happy baby needs a happy mum but in my heart of hearts I knew I needed...and wanted...to give him my full attention and dedication. When I look into his eyes and see his big beautiful smile, watch him run around with joy beaming from his face and hear the endless giggles from his belly I absolutely know that I have done the right thing.
Deep down, deep deep down, I know I miss those things that made me...me. Finally I am seeing a little bit of light in our tunnel and I see my son growing and flourishing and expanding his wings. I look at him and I know that he is becoming his own little being. He is not as reliant on me as he used to be and he is beautifully independent. I feel it is time to let go a little and take that little bit of me time and bring my past and my present together to form a beautiful new future for us all. I want to write, I want to lift weights, I want to create, I want to read, I want to connect, I want to practise yoga, I want to take baths, I want to inspire. Everything I used to do but with my son by my side. I want to record our special moments and rejoice in his beautiful life.
Its time for me to take a big deep breath, exhale and celebrate the amazing job I have done so far in raising my boy. Take another deep breath, exhale and begin a beautiful new journey of living my life to the absolute fullest as a wife, mother and 30 year old ME.
x S.K.K x