Years of Planning

Dear Baby K,

I have been dreaming of you my whole life. When your daddy and I decided to start trying for you my whole world changed and the excitement was so overwhelming. I began dreaming, envisioning and planning your world. I would dream about what it would be like to have you start growing inside my belly. I would envision standing in the sunset, just you and I, getting our photo taken so we can look back at this special time together. I would dream about rocking in my rocking chair feeding you to sleep. I would think about books that I would read to you each night before bed. I would dream about what I would eat, how I would move my body and what I would put on my skin to ensure you were always safe and healthy and me, your mumma, would be safe and healthy. Would we have a girl first or would we have a boy first. Would I be a mumma to a surfer, skater or bush boy? Would I be a Mumma to a ballet dancing, sport playing or surfer girl?

We started planning what colours we would have in your nursery. We researched what cot you would sleep in at night and what colour your little suit would be when we brought you home from hospital. I worried night after night about how to introduce you to all our feathered and furry babies and whether they would love you just as much as your daddy and I do. I got excited about being pregnant and dressing my body as I prepare to be a Mumma. I searched and searched all over the internet for a gorgeous baby bag that I would carry all of your things when we visit family and go out for the day. I started buying books to go in my bookcase so the day I found out you were joining our family I could start reading and learning and preparing for this life changing journey.

As your mummy I would dream every night of holding you in my arms and kissing your little face. I would dream of making your lunches and dropping you off at school. I would dream of holidays on the beach and camping in the bush. Your daddy and I talked about what you would look like. Whether you would have our blue eyes and blonde hair? We ALWAYS talked about names. Your first name and your middle names and we have a list of our favourites. We can't wait until you are here so we can so your eyes and your nose and your smile and choose the perfect name for you our gorgeous angel.

2 years have come and gone since we decided to bring you into our family. One of the perks of trying for a baby for 2 years is the chance to plan. The chance to dream, the chance to wish, the chance for your mumma and daddy to be the best we can be for when you come to us. All of the above is our favourites. Our favourite themes, my favourite bags, our favourite clothes, our favourite colours and best of all our favourite names. Through our entire journey we've kept our eye on our dream and we have never ever, not for one single moment, given up on you. We plan every day and we dream every day just in case a miracle happens and we fall pregnant with you. We will continue to plan, research, and learn until the day you are born and for an entire lifetime after that. You bring so much excitement to your mumma and daddies lives and you are not even here yet. Every plan, love and 'favourite' will probably be thrown out the window when we see those special double lines but until then we will keep the fun, happiness and excitement in 'trying for a baby'. 

You are the sparkle in your daddies eyes and the wish in your mummas heart.

 We pray for you every day.

 Love Always,

Your Mumma x

Sarah's Heavy Heart

Let me read you a story. It is called "Sarah's Heavy Heart" by Peter Caravas

Sarah had a heavy heart.

She carried it wherever she went.

On the bus.

At school.

In the playground.

And while riding her bike.

Sleeping with a heavy heart was hard

and bedtime was impossible.

Sarah knew the heart would always be hers to carry.

She just wished it wasn't so heavy.

One morning at the bus stop, something floated by.

"What are you doing up there?" Sarah asked.

"My heart's not heavy enough," replied the boy.

Sarah followed him as he drifted through the air.

He floated past trees,

tall buildings,

and low-lying clouds.

The boy came to rest in a paddock on the edge of town.

Sarah helped him up. "Has this happened before?" she asked.

The boy nodded. "It's worse in windy weather," he said.

"My heart just gets carried away.

Sarah sighed. "My heart weighs me down."

They sat together in the paddock, watching and wondering.

Then without a word, Sarah pulled a ribbon from her hair.

The boy watched as Sarah took his heart and tied it to her own.

"What do you think?" she asked.

He answered with a smile.

And with hearts bound, Sarah and the boy started towards the town. 

I do have a heavy heart. I was taught by my parents to love hard, care, forgive always, fight for people, help others and do everything in my power to make those I love happy. This I will never change but it does take its toll and my heart is very heavy. It's filled with deep compassion and empathy for the sick, the elderly, the sad, the weak. I ache for those around me who are not in the same place I am. Happy.

 6 years ago a special man floated past and changed my life forever. He was crazy, irrational, he pushed boundaries and he lived hard with no regrets and no limits. Life was a game and he was in it to play every last second and every last inch. He lived life in the sky with a big beautiful heart.

I couldn't of written a more perfect story about our love and relationship if I tried. Somehow we found each other. Years and partners came and went and in a random moment we became 'us'. We are chalk and cheese, on paper we don't fit, we challenge each other every day and we battle, but we are us. We tied our hearts together and I have helped him be grounded more and he has taught me to spread my wings and fly. 

Over the years our 'heart roles' have changed. Sometimes he's had the heavy heart and I've given my all to take some of his weight away. Other times I need his guidance and his spirit to lift me up when my heart is too heavy to carry on.

Now we face a new challenge. A huge challenge. Our lives will be taken over and for the first time Rob and I will have to take a deep breath, close our eyes and jump. We can't plan, we can't predict and we have absolutely no control. Over this journey our roles will change. We will be heavy, we will be light and we will have to rely on each other to get us through.

I will keep this book in our lounge room. It will always be there. When I lose faith and when I lose sight. When we struggle with balance I will read this and know that all we have to do is tie our hearts together, look forward and never lose hope.

Peace, Love and Hope.

x S.K.K x

The Silver Lining of Infertility

Dear Baby K

One day your daddy and I were sitting in our home feeding our gorgeous little bird Ruby. You will get to meet Ruby one day and she will bring you so much laughter and happiness. I can't wait! We were sitting down together feeding her when all of a sudden your daddy looked at me and said "You're going to be an amazing Mum one day, we should have a baby" You will never ever know how much these words meant to me little one. For years, you are all I have ever dreamed of. From a little girl I knew straight away what my purpose in life was. My mum, your Grandma, was the Center of my universe and I knew that when I grew up all I wanted to be was her. A mummy. Every path I have taken and every road I have traveled has led me to my ultimate dream of being a mummy. From the moment I learned how to dream I knew this was it. It's all I ever wanted.

Your daddy and I had a long journey to travel before our lives could begin together. God made sure that I had met the people I needed to meet and learn from the mistakes that I made before he threw me into your daddy's arms. You wait until you meet your daddy. Oh my darling you are seriously one of the luckiest souls in the world to have this man as your daddy. No one truly knows the true love, kindness and passion that is in his heart but me and I can't wait for the day that I can share him with you. When we got married I knew I was ready for you. I 'thought' I was ready for you. Your daddy had other plans. He's the thinker and the planner and needed everything perfect before we brought you into our lives. He had a plan and needed to work his way up to his goals. As his wife I supported this. Your daddy and I are a team and we both needed to be on the same playing field before you came in to play this beautiful game of life. I didn't like it. Not one single bit. Oh how I ached for you. I've spent my entire life looking after and caring for other people's children and it killed me to have to wait just that little bit extra. We waited. I waited. Finally the day came when your daddy spoke those beautiful words to me..."we should have a baby" He was ready. It was one of the greatest days of my life and I don't think I will ever forget it.

From that day forward you were it babes. You were our every word, every conversation, every plan and every smile. This was our time. I thought I was on track, happy and ready for you. You and God had other plans. It has been a very long journey from that day. A journey I could never have even imagined. That day seems like a life time ago. The girl I once knew is now a distant memory. The girl who thought she was ready for a baby and motherhood has flown away and I still get so shocked by the person I have become.

You knew...all along. I sometimes sat and wondered why you hadn't come to us yet. Where was our baby? They say perfection takes time and I knew that god was taking his time in making you "our perfect" When I look back at our time waiting for you I feel nothing but eternal gratitude and complete happiness. For most, it's a hard journey. I'm not saying it was always easy waiting for you but my god my darling it has made me so strong. Today, right now, I am the strongest I have ever been and it is all because of you. Every day I prayed for you and every day I felt the words "just hold on". That's what Ive done, held on. Ive held on for the ride. After about 10 months of wishing and praying for you I surrendered myself completely to god, to the universe and to you my baby. I knew you had a plan and I had to allow God to guide me in the right direction to you. There is a reason why you have taken this long time to come into our lives.

 I took this time to think. I opened my eyes and took a long hard look deep into my soul. What I saw was simply amazing. I owed it to you to find my true self and to become the absolute best person I could be. That's when I knew my reason, your reason, his reason. I wasn't ready for you and you knew this. This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces because I would give my everything to have you in my arms right now, but you and I both know that the wait will be worth it. When you enter our lives I need to be complete before I commit my life and my purpose to you. To be the best mummy in the world I needed to be the best Sarah in the world. Every day I found my internal beauty, self love and life changing confidence that I hope you will be proud of. Everything I do, I know that one day I will be able to share this with you and I will be able to teach you the greatest gifts this world has to offer. This my beautiful baby is priceless. This time waiting for you has been completely priceless and I thank you for teaching me the most amazing lessons life has to offer. You aren't even here in our world yet and you have given me a lifetime of self love, gratitude and hope.

You are an amazing gift. I'm still learning and growing...and waiting. Every day is a lesson for me. I've learned some very special and life changing values that I truly believe have changed me. I cant wait to share these with you and teach you the beauty and wonders of the world. Your mummy is a completely different person now and through the heartache, tears and waiting I have never ever given up hope. I never will. Your daddy especially has never ever given up hope. We've cried for you, wished for you, prayed for you but have never given up hope. We wait every single day. I know God will send you to us when the time is perfect. We don't know how and we don't now when but we know the day will come. There is a beautiful, special and amazing world out here and your daddy and I are waiting with our arms wide open for you.

Thank You for making me the person I am today. 

Everything I do, I do it for you! 

Love always, 

Your Mumma x 

Every Day

If you start your day with great passion and end your day with deep gratitude you will never regret a single moment! 

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

The Happiest 5K

On Sunday these 5 gorgeous girls and I participated in the Swisse Color Run. 

It is described as the happiest 5K on the planet and it seriously was!

Together we dressed in white and ran the 5 kilometers together in honor of a very special lady.
6 girls, 1 team...Georgina's Angels...running, laughing, dancing smiling and living life to the fullest.

Thousands of people, all dressed in white, came together to raise money for a very special cause. What a sight! There was no competition. There was no timing. Just people of all different ages, races and fitness levels running a 5 kilometer course filled with laughter, fun, celebration and COLOUR.

This was my first ever group run. It is hard running off the cement. A totally different run. We stopped during each of the colours and the course wasn't quite 5K due to wet weather but I was proud at how my body handled it. I'm now more determined than ever to perfect my 5K and aim for 10!

We did it! "Georgie's Angles" conquered the Color Run.

and then the colour came...

It was completely amazing yet completely crazy all at the same time! You are literally in a giant cloud of powder! On the second colour explosion we learnt our lesson and stuck to the side lines! 

We danced, we sang, we partied hard and I seriously could not wipe the smile of my face the entire day! What an experience! Definitely a morning I will never forget!

 

The Swisse Color Run...You ROCKED my world!

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

An extra special thank you to Wesley McNeil Photography for allowing me to use the first 2 pictures!

They are gorgeous! Captured perfectly!

New Day, New Beginnings.

I have a positive mind, love in my heart, peace in my soul and now it's time to put all of this strength into my body.

I'm a very positive person. I haven't always been, but over the past 4 years I've been on an awesome journey of self discovery and have truly found the meaning of my life. I'm only 27 and I feel I am very lucky to be able to say that I am truly happy and at peace with myself. I know this will change. I know as I grow older I will be tested, far beyond my comprehension, but right now this 27 year old married woman is content. I use my blog to portray this. I sincerely believe that what you put out you get back. Why not share the love, peace and happiness I feel in my heart with everyone around me. My life is full of rainbows and butterflies and I have a love affair with adjectives. Everything in my world is special, gorgeous, fabulous, wonderful and exciting and that's how it should be.

I have a positive mind. Everything I think is positive. I never once let a negative thought take over me. If something bad happens I’ll talk it out with my husband or best friend and always, and I mean always, look at the best possible outcome. Everything happens for a reason. You can't see the rainbow without the storm. I have the greatest love in my heart. The empathy and love that I feel to everyone around is sometimes overwhelming. Family, friends, strangers, it's all the same. No matter who they are or what they are going through I will love them with everything I have and hope that I can make them see what a truly amazing person they are. Love is the strongest and greatest gift of all. I feel complete peace within my soul. Every day I wake up completely thankful and grateful for this amazing life I lead. I have no worries, no regrets and I feel free. I notice the little things and make every single moment count. Remember to stop and appreciate those special moments, they will be the memories that last forever.

Imagine the hurt, confusion and disbelief when I started doubting myself. I worked so hard in becoming the person that I am and one silly little thought could have thrown that all away.
 

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 I started at the gym exactly a year ago. I needed a safe place for me to run at night. I wanted to be a runner. Desperately! I loved pushing my body and seeing how far it could go. I didn't get very far as the classes and diversity of the gym took over and I fell in love with dynamic of the typical 'gym life'. My running goals went out the window and I focused all my time and energy into having fun with exercise. I pumped, combated, cycled and body balanced my way through a year of fun. I'm so grateful for this past year; I fell in love with exercise. This is hard for some people, but I wanted the gym to be something that I wanted to do and not something I have to do. I didn't have any goals. I didn't want to lose weight. I just went 4 times a week and had fun.

Then in November 2012 I competed in Warrior Dash. I had every intention to train for this event but I just kept doing my thing at the gym. The event rocked my world and I proved to myself that I should never underestimate my abilities. I walked the course but smashed the obstacles. It ignited a fire inside me that totally threw me off course. Then and there I knew I wanted to see what my body could do. I knew I had more in me than just the classes at the gym. It took a while to co ordinate and organise but finally a couple of months ago I started 'training'.

Now every Tuesdays and Thursdays I work my butt off. I have the best trainer possible and he pushes me to my limits. I've never dedicated myself to something that is completely not me. It is so totally out of my comfort zone yet I absolutely love it. I started with the basics of strength training and metabolic conditioning and am working my way up. My first week was hard and weird. After my first session I thought what the hell was I doing? This wasn't me. I should be at the gym doing dance classes not lifting weights and squatting. This really threw me. I had fun, heaps of fun, yet my mind slipped and the self doubt was taking over. The negative self talk was horrible and the worst part about it all was that I started to believe it. I knew I had to make a choice. Believe the negativity and believe I couldn't do it and just go back to my 'usual' or make a change! Then and there I made a promise to myself that self doubt will never ever happen again and the words 'I can't' would never leave my mouth! A lot of other words that cannot be mentioned have definitely left my mouth during these sessions and a lot of groans and yells, but never “I can't”! 

The sessions are easy but training alone is the hardest! Sometimes I avoid it. I tell you what, our minds are so dam powerful and can make us believe anything! Last night I was running and was literally fighting with myself for a whole kilometer. My legs were fine, I was a bit puffed but I was fine but the negative self talk started to take over. "What the hell was I doing? Who cares about running and lifting and exercise? Just get home to bed and watch tv and give up all this crap!" This is literally what was going though my mind last night while running through my 2nd kilometer. I was on my own. I had faced a massive day at Kindy and given them my all and I had very little left to give to myself. I wanted to keep going but the 'talk' took over and it bloody won. I stopped! For the first time in a couple of months, half way through my run, I stopped and I fell to the grass and cried. Uncontrollably just cried. I had never stopped before and here I was, after only 2.3km of running, giving up and letting my goals fall into the black hole. I didnt want to do it anymore. I fight very day for my goals. Every. Dam. Day. Its hard. No one knows how hard it is. I live an amazing life but I work my absolute butt of for it.

I think last night I needed to fall. Unfortunately it was literally, but I needed to fall. I needed to hit the floor and reassess what was going on around me. Life is an absolute dream at the moment and I am in a complete ball of happiness but I am so thankful that last night I broke down. It really showed me what I want, who I have around me supporting me, and how I'm going to get there. It really showed me the courage and strength that has grown inside me and I was truly proud of how I deal in the most difficult of situations. I'm not afraid to share it either. Yes I keep life positive and every day is truly a blessing and I share this with my family and friends and here on my blog but I think its also important so share the bad. Share the moments of sadness. We are all human. Life isn't perfect 100% of the time and I want to show you this. Last night in a desperate night I opened up and shared my pain, my set backs and my hurt. It felt good to show that yes life is ridiculously amazing but sometimes we all just need that time to fall. 

Today is a new day and I feel more refreshed than ever. I've fallen, Ive cried, I've slept and woken up to a brand new day. I have a smile on my face, love in my heart and that passion has been lit again!

Here's to new beginnings!

Self doubt can go jump because I’ve totally got this!

Peace Love and Hope

x S.K.K x

The Truth About My Job

My name is Sarah and I am a Day Care Mum

I look after 4 children a day in my home.

We play, we laugh, we learn, we connect, we sing, we dance, we grow.

But there are a few things you may not know about my job.

~ The secret truth of a Day Care Mum ~

I work in one room all day long with 4 children under 5 with no adult interaction what so ever. Sometimes I may or may not put the toys in hilarious positions and laugh with myself about them. Woody and I were totes chilling this day watching the kids do puzzles.

Every day we have 'dance time' and at my Kindy we rock it out. No Hi-5 or Wiggles here. We listen to all the latest "clean" pop songs and my kindy kids groove like nobodies business. We pop, lock and roll all over our 'dancefloor' and I may or may not pretend I'm on stage and rock it out harder than all of the 3 year olds put together ;-)

Our favourite at the moment is...

Don't tell me you didn't do a little toe tap or shoulder shimmy to that songs!

My children squat. Yep every day we get our body squats on. I think a while back during our dance time I did a few squats to change it up a bit and well they remembered and now every day as part of their dance routine they all squat. It is so hilarious, totally unplanned yet completely encouraged for the pure cuteness of it all. These kids get low let me tell you.

I have 'Kindy Couples' in our group. A couple of the children have paired off and have found their first true loves. Its ridiculous adorable and they literally spend all of their time with each other. They get so excited when each of them arrive at 'Kindy' and the love that they show for each other during the day is just priceless.

 The truth is I am 27 years old and have permanent wrinkles on my forehead!

This is because of my Kindy Faces.

Number 1: My 'Discipline' Face - "Oh my goodness me I hope you are using your walking feet when you are in my Kindy room" "Oh Dear I hope you are using your gentle hands" "Oh O we need to share with our friends here at Kindy"

Number 2: My 'Encouraging' Face - "Can you please pass me the BLUE block?" "Where's your nose?" "How do you spell your name?" "How many flowers are in the garden?"  "Are you going to do a poo on the potty?"

Number 3: My 'Celebration' Face - "Horray Horray Horray You did a wee on the potty woo woo woo" "Woohoo you walked to the door instead of running woohoo" "Horray for eating your apple" "Good Job passing that toy"

My eyebrows are constantly raised! ALL DAY...EVERY DAY ;-)

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The biggest truth about my job, which is definitely NOT a secret at all, is that I am absolutly 100% IN LOVE with my job. It is so funny calling it a job, it sure doesn't feel like it. Every single day I get to play and hang out with 4 beautiful souls who bring so much joy, love and happiness into my life. I could not and do not want to think about doing anything else.

Being a Day Care Mum ROCKS!

and that's the truth!

Peace, Love and Hope

x S.K.K x