Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Answers

 I finally got my results back from my tests that I had a few weeks ago and I was shocked at the outcome! I went in to the appointment confident that nothing was wrong yet totally prepared for him to say the words "you have bowel cancer" I don't know why but this was my mental state! 2 extremes. Absolutely nothing wrong or the worst possible outcome. But he just said 2 little words. 2 words that are not bad at all. 2 words that are very common these days. 2 words that I had heard before but did not completely understand. 2 words that absolutly bowled me over and put a knot in my stomach. 

 The minute he said it, I lost everything. My eyes filled with tears and I was fighting back the urge to sob and run out the door. He was explaining it all to me and I was trying so hard to put the tears and shock aside and listen to what he had to tell me. I smiled and agreed with him when he said that this was a positive outcome but inside I was falling apart. Coeliac - how on earth could I be coeliac. a friend from uni was coeliac and every time she had gluten she would throw up. I don't do that. I guess it affects people in different ways. This isn't a bad thing. But its not a good thing. Its not cancer and I should be eternally grateful but right now I'm just angry. I should be happy that I finally have answers. Now I know the answer, all of my symptoms make sense and yes I know how fantastic I am goign to feel when it is all out of my system and my body can start healing itself but right now I'm angry. Ive been putting off writing this post as I'm not used to feeling like this. As you all know Im a very positive person and I can promise you all that I have tried and will continue to be positive about this but sometimes I can't. I know it will get easier but right now I'm angry. Why me? I love my food so so so so much! Yes there are so many alternatives out there and I am very lucky to know now then 10 years ago but alternatives aren't the real thing. gluten free pasta is NOT pasta. gluten free bread is NOT bread. I love these foods and right now I am missing it.

I really really really do not want to sound selfish and ungrateful as I know there are so many people out there completely worse off then me but right now, here on my own blog, I need to write and I need you to read and understand. My tears are falling as I write because I know how silly I am being but I guess the shock hasn't really warn off yet. I'm still getting my head around it all...what I can and cant eat. Most of the time I am positive about it. But in these early stages food is boring! Im sorting and sifting through labels and ingredients trying to find what I can and cant eat. Ive never read a food labels in my life. I was never a dieter, I was never a calorie counter. I ate whatever I wanted and was happy. This is a huge change and I know its going to be amazing! I cant wait to see how I feel once I start to heal. But gosh I could eat a quarter pounder right now!

To throw a spanner into it all I am also completely lactose intolerant. Our tolerance levels should be between 40 and 120 with the average being 60...mines 1...ONE....seriously why me??? No more cheese, no more chocolate, no more milk, no more smoothies, no more ice-cream. Yes yes yes I know there are 'lactose free' items but they are NOT the same!

So right now its been 2 weeks and its been going ok...the food isn't bad but I just miss a lot of foods right now and the thought that I will never be able to eat them again upsets me. But this is it now. This is the answer that I wanted and now Ive got it. Its going to be a big journey and I know it will be for the best but I'll leave being positive about it until tomorrow. Just this little minute I want to cry and get upset and be angry. I think that's ok. I hope that's ok. I just need to deal with all the different ups and downs. 'You cant enjoy the highs if you don't experience the lows" It might seem a petty little thing to everyone else but in my world, it's HUGE!

x S.K.K x

3 comments:

Hayley said...

I am so sorry Sarah!! Don't beat yourself up it's okay to be pissed off right now, you have every right to be! I was just thinking the other day I wonder how hard it would be to meet up in the city one day?

Bella_K said...

Aww, this made me sad! I am so sorry you have to deal with this! Clearly you are such a strong person. I would be sulking majorly and refusing to eat, but I am a major sook. Being upset though (how you are feeling) is totally normal, any normal person would feel that way!! So do not be hard on yourself. This is a big change & will take time to get use to. I know it's not much of a positive spin, but at least you are going to be eating way healthier... :-/
Just remember (& I don't know if you are religious or not) but God (or whoever... perhaps the universe?) Does not give us things we can not handle...
X

Anonymous said...

You can still eat chips from Maccas, they are gluten free and cooked in a separate fryer :) the small positive