I Quit

It was the 23rd of July and I cried. Uncontrollable tears came and I could not hold them in any more. I cried for late night dinners. I cried for the lack of sleep. I cried for my puppies who hadn't been walked in days. I cried for my best friend who I had not seen in weeks. I cried for my other best friend whose house I drive past every day yet I had not seen or talked to in ages and her little boy who was growing up before my eyes and I was missing it. I cried for my sister whose life I have to follow on facebook. I cried for the little fights I have with my husband because I am tired, stressed and irritable. I cried for my mum and dad who always call and text and I take several days to reply. I cried for my life that was spiraling out of control and I was struggling to hold on. Life isn't bad but for those I love and those who support me, I was slowly slipping away and I hated it. This wasn't the life I wanted to live and this wasn't the person I wanted to be.

My job was taking over my life and I couldn't find my balance. I had cried before, actually I had cried a lot, but there were so many reasons why I couldn’t leave. That would be the easy way out. Quit and move on. But I couldn't. There was a reason I was in this job and I knew I couldn't leave until I knew it was the right time.

It all started on the 22nd of May 2008. 3 little children entered my life. I fell into a job that I had no intention of ever taking. I truly believe to this day that there was a reason I applied that day, out of the blue, and I was meant to join this family. There we were, a 4 month old, a 3 year old, a 5 year old and a childcare worker who had never had any nanny experience. I fell in love and these 2 boys and little girl stole my heart. Over the last 4 years we have grown together. We have been through first days of school and Kindy, lost teeth, ballet lessons, footy practice, homework battles, spelling tests, loosing best friends and finding new ones, doctors’ visits, school concerts, cello exams, dentist trips, laughter, tears, hugs and dreams. I have been vomited on, pooed on, changed nappies, toilet trained, dried the tears, celebrated the wins, comforted the fears and encouraged the dreams. These kids became my life. They needed me and in a way I needed them. They have taught me to love hard, protect, encourage, support, listen, comfort, fight, believe, understand, to have compassion, and to have strength...they have taught me how to be a mother.

I couldn't imagine my life without them. They were everything to me and after a while this became too much. I wasn't their mother, they have a mother, and I was investing too much of my life into theirs. I knew it wouldn't last forever and I knew it was just a job. I did, however, fight for these kids day in day out. I put every single ounce of energy and enthusiasm into these children and ensured they lived a happy, safe and fulfilling life. I gave them my ALL. Everything I had, everything I was, I gave to those children. This became too much and on the 23rd of July, after crying, I made the decision. I made a decision that I had been putting off for a year. The hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. I made the decision to choose me over these children.

The tears fall as I type. I feel every emotion possible. All of the hurt, the sadness, the stress, the irritation and the worry but most of all I cry as I prepare to say goodbye. There was never going to be a right time and it was never going to be easy. I wanted to quit a year ago but these children were about to embark on a painful journey and I knew I had to be there to help dry the tears and somehow put their smiles back on their gorgeous faces. A year ago I was hurting and I wanted to leave but it wasn't the right time. I felt it in my bones that I just needed to hang in there and be there for these children. I put my life on hold, I packed my dreams away and put them on a shelf for a better time. A time when I felt confident enough to leave without any regret.

Last Monday on the 6th of August 2012 it was time. I gave my 4 weeks notice and prepared myself for a month of lasts and a month goodbyes.

I don’t know what the future holds. 

I don’t know whether they will keep in touch but I pray that I have done enough.

 I pray that I have taught them to love themselves just as much as I love them.

 I pray that I have taught them to always believe that they can do anything and be anything they want to. 

I pray that I have taught them to have gratitude for the beautiful life they live and never take it for granted. 

I pay that I have taught them to look in the mirror each day and know that they are loved and they are enough.

 I pray that I have taught them to have compassion for everyone they meet. 

I pray I have taught them to never hold back and show this world what gorgeous little souls they truly are.

They may forget me and they may forget our 4 years together but I hope I have done enough. 

Every smile, every encouraging word, every wink, every high five, every praise and every hug. 

I hope and pray to god that I have done enough. 

x S.K.K x