Sunday, October 27, 2013

The Angry Truth

 ...sometimes I get angry...

Blood curdling, body shaking, tear jerking angry. No amount of positive thinking could help me. It all started last week. I felt the anger and all I could do was cry. I decided to try acupuncture as it was very highly recommended by my fertility doctors, nurses and friends. I had never done acupuncture before because the thought of all those needles getting stuck in me freaked me out....blank stare...haha clearly with what I am about to go through I need to get over that quick smart. SO I booked in and went. I had no idea what type of effect it would have on me. It made me angry. For the entire 2 years we have been trying for a baby I have never, not a single minute, been angry. In fact I have never been sad, hurt or felt any negative feelings at all. I have taken it all in my stride and have chosen to look on the brighter side of life. Nothing could bring me down. I was strong, I was happy and I had trust and faith and relied solely on my never ending hope to pull me through. Until I got acupuncture.

When the needles went in I think it hit me. It FINALLY hit me that we will be going through IVF to get our beautiful baby. Until this point it just seemed like a dream. I didn't know what I felt. But when I had the acupuncture and saw, and felt, the needles inside my skin it all hit me. This will be my new reality. My body will solely rely on hormones that I will inject into my skin every morning to help create our baby...and this made me angry. Why did I, the girl who prides herself on living the healthiest, safe, non medicated, alcohol, smoke and drug free life have to start injecting herself with needles every day to get our beautiful baby? Why do I have to go through needles and surgeries and the waiting and unknown to become a Mumma and start our family? This made me angry. More than I can write or explain to you. The heat in my body is painful and my heart hurts. I know its going to be ok and I know I am strong and I know we will get through it and I know that's what you will all say but right now I am angry and I deserve to be.

This is new to me. This feeling. My mind was wandering to a dark place that I haven't allowed it to go in a very long time. I didn't know what to do. I knew we were about to go through a massive journey and we have no idea what to expect so I need to prepare to face all battles. I need to prepare my mind to face every emotional battle that I will go through in this journey.

So I decided to feel it. I let the anger take over just for a little minute. I allowed my mind to get angry. I got angry at my fallopian tubes, I got angry at my surgeon, I got angry at the stupid vitamins I have to take and the stupid needles I'm about to inject into my stomach. Every now and then over the past week I've been angry and sad and hurt and scared. I've allowed my mind to be out of control just for a moment to feel these emotions. Its important to me that I experience every part of this journey. So I can learn how to deal with them. I allow myself to be angry then I stop, put music on, meditate, fall asleep and wake up happy.

You want honestly and this is my honesty. Its going to be a hard ride, a dam hard ride. I am preparing myself for every bump in the road. I'm not going to lie to you and say its going to be all sunshine and rainbows the entire way. I've learned to feel every emotion, and when it's bad I just feel it, breath in and then let it go. I'm strong and will fight with everything I have to get through this. I will not let it effect my life because life is just simply to amazing to be angry, sad and negative. Life is also too amazing not to feel every emotion we have been given. Yes it will be hard. Yes I will get angry. But I will also be happy, excited, proud, determined, accomplished and most of filled the greatest love I will ever know. All of the anger and sadness with be god dam worth it.

This is my angry truth...but I've got this!

Peace Love and Hope

x S.K.K x


Laurie @ The Rookie Wife said...

I can't imagine going through this. But I think it's totally okay to feel angry. One of my best friends has had 2 rounds of IVF. The first one didn't take and the second was a tubal pregnancy. Makes me so sad seeing people that want to have children and that would make GREAT parents, struggle to have kids. But I think when you struggle a little bit it makes you appreciate when you DO have a baby that much more. I went through 2 miscarriages before I had my daughter, I started to think I was doing something wrong:( When I got pregnant I was so ecstatic and enjoyed every moment, not that she's 6 months old I'm continuing to do so. I'm sending prayers your way! xoxo

April Matthysse said...

Anger is a hard but real feeling. I was already through mine. I got a lot of you know you can adopt you can do this . . . . . .yes we all know that. You need to be angry and grieve we all need to do it. It's healthy and freeing. I understand its hard. I Los did some acupuncture for stress it was nice. I am not sure if ill do it again or more. We will see how the stress if IVF goes. Best of luck.